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(Favorite "Yo momma" jokes, "redneck" jokes & George Carlin quotes at the bottom)

"Chemistry is good when you make LOVE with it.. and chemistry is bad when you make CRACK with it."
-- Adam Sandler

Ellen DeGeneres on cordless phones:
"The way I see it.. if you need both of your hands for
what you're doing, your brain should be in on it too."

"I bought a gun because POW POW sounds a lot better
than Hey, put that back!" -- Joe Torry

"Do you realize that if the pilgrims have been chasing bobcats instead of turkeys.. we'd all be eating pussy on Thanksgiving?!" -- Redd Foxx

Women are hard on other women! A lady can walk into the club looking just perfect... Another woman will check her out from head to toe, turn around and say "The bitch toenail polish is chipped - she ain't all that!"
-- Sommore

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Everytime I leave a man
I keep his house -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

You used to be looking good from afar. Now you just FAR from looking GOOD! -- Martin Lawrence

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several attack me at once.
-- Jennifer Unlimited

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head
together and your body starts falling apart. -- Caryn Leschen

"It's not who you know.. It's who you blow!"

"A clean house is the sign of a broken computer."

"NO ONE is immune to the trials and tribulations of life."
-- Martin Lawrence

This guy told me 'you know, there's an ART to lovemaking.'
I said "oh yeah? Well I wish somebody would draw you a bigger dick!"
-- Ellen Cleghorne

I promise you all my beautiful black women - I will never, EVER, EVER - sleep with a white woman...
I'll fuck one.. but the bitch ain't sleeping over! -- A.J. Johnson

"To give anything less than your best is to give nothing
at all... NO ONE remembers SECOND best."

They wanted me to play a maid, who won the lottery... but liked the family she worked for sooo much, that she kept working for them. Are they crazy? Shoot, If I found out I won the lottery, I would leave in the middle of this joke! -- Wanda Sykes

Martin Lawrence on the Wizard of Oz -
Lion's looking for some courage... Tin Man's looking for a heart...
Ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down
the street WITH a bitch!

White parents use time out. My mom used a different type of time out. She'd be like "there, take time out to pick up your teeth."
-- Martin Lawrence

My dad died fucking... He CAME and WENT at the same time!
-- Richard Pryor

If you don't bust a nut when I bust a nut... then you fresh outta fuckin' luck! -- Bernie Mac

This girl asked me "how come you never come to see me?" I said "Bitch cause it's BAD down there! Shoot, you stay on the corner of Assault & Battery!" -- Joe Torry

He asked me what is my favorite position. I told him "Well that depends on the size of your dick, because if you got a little ass dick then my favorite position is with another mother fucker!" -- Sommore

I don't like the fuckin' friendly skies! Talkin' about 'if it's your time to go'? Shit, what if it's the Bitch next to me's time to go!? -- Adele Givens

BESTANDWORST.COM

- You know how they say Blonds have more fun?
Unfortunately, they also have more VD.

- Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?!

- How come when it's with us, it's an abortion and when it's with chickens, it's an omelet?

- Flammable, inflammable and noninflammable..
Why are there three? Doesn't it seem like two ought to serve the purpose? I mean either the thing FLAMS or it doesn't!

HILARIOUS JOKE!
***************
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to
the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,
red, orange, blue, yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex
with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."