HELEN I'm glad you suggested this. I
never sit on the stoop and it's such an old-timey New
York thing to do. "Lets go sid onda stooop, okay?"
This is great.
GRANT I like it out here. Especially in
the evening.
HELEN Evening's are the best.
GRANT (pause) I want you to meet
Hector.
HELEN Who's Hector?
GRANT He's this guy I run into all the
time. He lives down the block, we go to the same health club,
seems to walk a lot of the same routes, and he comes by the
house about six on Tuesdays and Thursdays. We've been
pretending not to notice one another for so long I've lost
track, but about a month ago we managed to exchange a few
words. At this rate it'll be decade before we have a
conversation. I thought maybe...
HELEN Why Dale, I do believe you're
smitten!
GRANT No...
HELEN You of all people. This is
exciting.
GRANT Helen...
HELEN You never like anybody...
GRANT Yeah, I know.
HELEN But now... So tell me about this
miracle of love...
GRANT No. See that's why I don't talk
about it, because it immediately gets interpreted in those
terms, and that's not at all what's happening.
HELEN Oh, of course not, I never meant
to suggest...
GRANT Oh, Helen...
HELEN What?
GRANT Nothing.
HELEN What!?
GRANT No really, nothing...
HELEN What is it!?
GRANT Helen... I feel so foolish.
HELEN So?
GRANT Well, I do, that's all.
HELEN About what?
GRANT What?
HELEN About what?
GRANT Do I feel foolish?
HELEN Grant, stop this!
GRANT I... (can't say it) I...
don't know. (pushes it out) I like him, for no
particular reason. Always have. This is really hard to talk
bout.
HELEN Come on Dale, I've known you for a
million years, we got no secrets...
GRANT It's not about... it's a lot worse
than that... it's not a crush if that's what you're trying to
say, it's something else, but it's not that.
HELEN Okay, okay, of course, that's not
what it's about. So you like him? What's the big deal?
GRANT I feel like such an idiot.
HELEN Because you like him?
GRANT Sort of.
HELEN I mean, is he really stupid or
gross or rude or something?
GRANT Not so far as I can tell. No, not
at all.
HELEN So what is the problem?
GRANT I don't know! I don't know, I
don't know. It's awful. I wait for him to come by twice a week
without fail. I keep as regular a schedule at the club as I
can, because he does, too, and that way I get to be around him
for awhile. But trying to relate like a normal human being is
next to impossible. Not his fault I'm sure, so it must
be mine. I've never been this way. I mean, I've been
shy enough times in my life, but this is beyond anything I've
ever experienced, and... and there's absolutely nothing sexual
about it. Really. So what is it? I know almost nothing about
him, I have no idea what his personality is like, if he's fun
to be with, if we have anything at all in common, if we would
have anything to talk about, but... I feel like such a fool.
HELEN Is he good-looking?
GRANT Helen! Don't you ever listen to me
at all?
HELEN You'd be surprised. Is he?
GRANT Yeah, kind of. Yes. He's got a
beautiful face. A face like a deer.
HELEN Like a deer, huh?
GRANT A little black nose, brown eyes, a
snout, antlers...
HELEN A doe or a stag?
GRANT A fawn.
HELEN A faun. Like a satyr?
GRANT Actually, yes. Actually, yes, like
a satyr.
HELEN We-ell! A satyr! Hairy flanks and
hooves, and... uh... sorry. So, you've exchanged a few words,
what else?
GRANT Nothing! We nod and say hello.
Sometimes.
HELEN He's playing hard to get.
GRANT No, no, no, no, no! I'm not trying
to "get" anything for him to play hard at, so how
could he be...? I'm going inside...
HELEN Yeah, I tell ya, that whole
flirting stage is murder, I mean it's exciting but I tell ya,
it can fry your nerves if it goes on for too long.
GRANT It's not flirting.
HELEN Cruising?
GRANT No.
HELEN Sleazing, hitting up, making eyes?
GRANT We just have a difficult time
speaking.
HELEN Sorry, can't relate to that at
all.
GRANT Yeah, I know.
HELEN What's the big deal about talking
to someone? It's just talk. I'll talk to him for you, what do
you want me to say?
GRANT You don't have to...
HELEN So what do you want me to say?
GRANT It's not what, it's just to loosen
up the atmosphere, it's so...
HELEN I'll loosen things up then I'll
remember something I have to do upstairs.
GRANT Don't you dare.
HELEN No?
GRANT I don't want to send the wrong
message.
HELEN Such as?
GRANT Like you were just here to start
conversation.
HELEN Well, aren't I?
GRANT It sounds so manipulative.
HELEN It is! Flirting is manipulative,
that's why it's so much fun!
GRANT (interrupting) This isn't
flirting!
HELEN Flirting, getting to know someone,
same thing.
GRANT There's so much tension whenever
we see each other, I can't stand it anymore!
HELEN Then don't wait on the stoop for
him anymore!
GRANT And don't go to the club and don't
go shopping and don't walk down Ninth Avenue or go to the drug
store or go past his house on the way to the copy shop
anymore. I'm not going to be the prisoner of 47th Street just
because I'm afraid of running into some guy who lives in the
neighborhood.
HELEN Who you like.
GRANT For no particular reason.
HELEN Who needs a reason to like
someone?
GRANT I do.
HELEN Why?
GRANT You want a reason I need a reason?
HELEN Why not?
GRANT Don't we always at least make one
up? Don't we usually want something from someone first? Then
don't we convince ourselves we like them so we can feel less
guilty about trying to get what we want?
HELEN That's disgusting and cynical.
GRANT Okay, maybe after awhile, after
you discover that what you're out to get ain't to be got,
maybe by then you've begun actually to like the person for who
they are. But to like someone right at first with no agenda?
The whole thing is perverse.
HELEN It's not perverse, Dale, it's
human nature.
GRANT That's my point. I can deal with
human nature. I'm used to wanting something from people.
HELEN That's not the human nature part,
it's liking other people for no reason that's human nature.
It's not perverse. Where have we come to that
spontaneous affection is considered perverse?
GRANT Spontaneous affection, fine, but
based on something! Everyone I've ever liked I've had some
kind of idea of what I could get out of the friendship when I
first met them, some notion of personal gain, however slight.
But with Hector...
HELEN Nothing? Who are you, the Buddha?
GRANT Okay, I think about stuff, but
it's stuff like sitting silently together and reading. I could
do that with some stranger on the subway, what's the
motivation in that?
HELEN Do you ever talk?
GRANT When?
HELEN In your imagination.
GRANT Only to tell him what I'm telling
you now. As if it's the most embarrassing thing imaginable to
like someone without really knowing them, and an invasion of
their privacy. As if it were something I needed to apologize
for.
HELEN You gotta imagine other things.
GRANT (suspicious) Such as?
HELEN Small talk, witty banter, having
fun.
GRANT I do.
HELEN And?
GRANT Suppose I imagine him completely
different that he really is?
HELEN So at least you have a something a
little more active than silently reading together. I mean,
what's that going to do for you? You going to run up to him on
the street, shove a magazine into his face and tell him to
shut up and read?
GRANT We almost have fun sometimes.
HELEN In life or in your mind?
GRANT In life. But one of us gets
scared.
HELEN Scared of what?
GRANT Everything! I mean, what do we
have in common? A tax accountant and a dancer?
HELEN Oh come on! Want a list? Let's
start with the weather, that does most people in a pinch. Then
we can move right on to health, family, personal history...
GRANT And sound like a couple of old men
on a bench.
HELEN So what? Who's watching? You want
to talk to him, the topic isn't important, it's the
communication, it's how it makes you feel.
GRANT How's panicky.
HELEN You?
GRANT I know, I know.
HELEN Mister never upset about anything.
GRANT More like terrorized.
HELEN Why? Is he nasty?
GRANT He's the model of gentility. He's
so diplomatic it's awesome.
HELEN All his signals are neutral, is
that what you're saying?
GRANT Not exactly, but yeah. It's as if
he's holding me at arm's distance in such a way that it seems
he's encouraging a friendship.
HELEN He is too, nasty! That's
terrible!
GRANT No, it's not, it's elegant. It's
so perfectly sensitive.
HELEN Sensitive to what, psychological
torture?
GRANT But it's so gracious. I have no
idea what he's trying to tell me, but whatever it is it's
absolutely clear that he's trying to tell me something.
HELEN Whooptidoo. And in the meantime
you squirm on tender hooks.
GRANT Helen... I don't think there's any
explaining this.
HELEN Well, if you aren't squirming,
what are you doing? You might call it dancing, but to me
it looks like squirming. You want the last popcorn?
GRANT No, you take it.
HELEN Thanks. I mean, you're hardly
indifferent to him.
GRANT I wish I were.
HELEN There, see, tender hooks.
GRANT It's not... alright, you don't
have to believe me, but it is not a crush. It is not anything
like a crush. Not an infatuation, not an obsession, not a
fantasy, not a delusion. I don't know what exactly it is, but
it is not a crush.
HELEN "methinks the lady doth
protesteth too much."
GRANT Argh! Don't say that. That's the
central, pivotal, source of my immobility.
HELEN Now this is interesting.
Pray, spill the beans.
GRANT Nothing.
HELEN "Argh, nothing"?
GRANT Nothing.
HELEN Grant, this isn't like you!
GRANT I know that! (pause) What
would you do?
HELEN Well, I'd be pretty discouraged,
myself.
GRANT I should be, shouldn't I?
HELEN I'd be.
GRANT Yeah. (pause) Discouraged
about what?
HELEN You know, meeting him. Getting to
know him. And so forth.
GRANT There isn't a so forth!
HELEN Here we go again.
GRANT There isn't.
HELEN Right. He's a dancer, huh?
GRANT Yeah.
HELEN With a dancer's body?
GRANT: (threatening) Helen...
HELEN Doesn't he?
GRANT Not really. I don't know, he must
be in good shape by now. I don't know. He's very limber. It
really doesn't matter. And I don't know. Why'd I bring it up,
anyway?
HELEN Listen, Dale, I don't exactly buy
into Freud, but I do know what keeps me motivated when I keep
running into walls. And it's the so forth.
GRANT Fine, fine, but for me, for me
it's the... the... lack of information. I can't stand
suspense. I need to know something. Usually I want to know
everything about my friends, and my work, and life, tack it
all down. But with him it always, always, adds up to
zero. That's it! It's fascinating, this not knowing. Riveting.
And it's extremely liberating. I hate it.
HELEN You know his name, where he
lives...
GRANT Yeah, I know. (pause) I
think he... (pause)
HELEN What?
GRANT Nothing.
HELEN What?!
GRANT I think he has a lover.
HELEN You mean like gay?
GRANT I mean like gay. Either that or
the best friend anyone has ever had. It's really hard to tell.
But I think it's his lover. I think that's why...
HELEN Why what?
GRANT Nothing.
HELEN You think that's why he's
"not playing hard to get."
GRANT Yeah, he's not to be got, but he
doesn't know that I know that.
HELEN So that's why your so-called
disinterest in things physical.
GRANT I feel so lonely. Maybe when you
meet him... You finished the popcorn!
HELEN You told me to!
GRANT Oh. Right. (pause) It's
almost six. I feel ill.