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What Happened to Jones |
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Sample One of Three |
| The Goodly's live a quiet life and anxiously anticipate the arrival of Professor Goodly's brother, the Bishop of Ballarat, from Australia. Mrs. Goodly is so anxious, in fact, that she drives the rest of the family crazy. When the Professor's daughter's beau convinces him to go to a boxing match, it is an impulsive decision stemming from his recently miserable home life. But Professor Goodly makes such an enthusiastic display at the match that it is raided by the police, and they are forced to flea. In their wake runs a traveling salesman by the name of Jones, who has good reason to avoid being discovered by the police, which is in hot pursuit. |
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Scene Ten: Ebenezer, Richard The doorbell rings. Helma comes through on her way to the hall. There is a tremendous ruckus outside the window. Helma comes back in carrying a large box, tries to see what the noise is about, then hides herself. Ebenezer and Richard crawl into the room through the window. They are bedraggled and panting. Helma leaves quickly into the kitchen, lest she be discovered, and takes the box with her. EBENEZER: I thought you had an understanding with the police. RICHARD: We did, but the understanding was not to cause a commotion, and you ruined it. EBENEZER: I did? RICHARD: They must have thought we had a riot on our hands. EBENEZER: I did no such... RICHARD: Why you used words that I never even heard of, in combinations I never even imagined. EBENEZER: Why, I just... RICHARD: And when you tried to get into the ring, well, that caused quite a ruckus. EBENEZER: I wanted a better view... RICHARD: You got one. That's when everyone else started shouting, and that's when the police came. So, you ruined it. What's that on your trousers? EBENEZER: Who knows? I didn't slide down that water spout, I fell down it. Might be a tear. RICHARD: And your right eye doesn't look so good either. EBENEZER: I bumped into someone in the confusion What if word of this gets out? What if Mathilda hears about it? RICHARD: Settle down. W ash up a bit, and, we can fix that tear with a safety pin... Richard kneels to examine Ebenezer's trousers. RICHARD: I can't find a tear. EBENEZER: Your hair's a mess. RICHARD: Must just be streak of dust or something. He tries to rub it off with his hand. Eben tries to comb Richard's hair with his fingers. Helma walks in.
Scene Eleven: Ebenezer, Richard, Helma
Both men are startled into a standstill. Finally, after exchanging a glance. RICHARD: Helma! Helma, how long have you been standing there? HELMA: I walk in yust dis time. RICHARD: (with Eben) Ah. Good. (they relax) HELMA: Why does you come through window not door? Another suspended moment while they try to absorb the situation. RICHARD: (handing her a dollar bill) Why Helma, we didn't come in through any window. HELMA: (taking the bill) Oh yes, you did. Right over there. RICHARD: (handing her another dollar) What window was that, Helma? HELMA: (taking it) Dere is only one window this room. Dat one, dere. RICHARD: (handing her a five) But no one came through it, did they? HELMA: (she takes a moment to count the money) Come through window? What a funny yoke! RICHARD: (ad lib, with Eben) Ha! Yes, a funny yoke, very funny. Who would crawl through a window? HELMA: No one! They all laugh as Helma leaves. As soon as she does the men return immediately to getting themselves un-disheveled.
Scene Twelve: Ebenezer, Richard, Jones (Mathilda)
After much commotion, they manage to get hidden. There is a rapping at the window. No response. The rap sounds again. Finally, cautiously, the window is opened and Jones climbs in through it. He expects to see someone, but upon seeing the room empty, goes about inspecting it. As he does the two men adjust so that he can't see them. Finally, he catches Ebenezer sneaking past. EBENEZER: Spare me! JONES: What? EBENEZER: Spare me, for the sake of my wife and family! JONES: Spare you what? EBENEZER: Shhhh! Keep it all quiet and I will give you more money that you can make in five years. JONES: Money? EBENEZER: Ten years! JONES: Well! That's quite an offer. (to Richard who has revealed himself) And what have you got to say? RICHARD: Are you a cop? JONES: Me? A cop? (laughs) EBENEZER: (with Richard) Oh! JONES: Me, a cop. That's funny. No, no, I was at the match, same as you. Hey, ain't you the boxing fan. Right in the ring with 'em! EBENEZER: Never mind that. JONES: And you destroyed the odds! I was about to put down three hundred (he shows the money) but not after you offered five hundred to fifty. RICHARD: Wiped me out. EBENEZER: Shhh! I never did that. JONES: (with Richard) Yes you did. EBENEZER: All right, perhaps in the heat of the moment I may have... gotten a little bit carried away... The other men dissolve into laughter. Eben, not knowing what to do, objects as quietly and as forcefully as he can. As Jones recovers... JONES: Jones is the name. I sell hymnals. RICHARD: Hymnals? JONES: And playing cards depending on the flavor of the local market. I've got all varieties of each. Plain or with pictures, and with the playing cards, the pictures can get a little distracting, if you know what I mean. I'd show you samples but I left them at the hotel, and now is not the time to be leaving. Say, that's quite a shiner you got there. RICHARD: It's really blossoming. EBENEZER: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear... JONES: That's okay, you got off easier than the fellow who was chasing me. Some little guy with a club yelling his head off about the law. I grabbed his billy away from him and gave him such a thwack that I doubted he'd wake up 'til Sunday. But when I kept on running, he somehow got a hold of my tail. RICHARD: You've got a coattail missing. JONES: And therein lies the problem. It's evidence against me, missing tail, perfect match. Positive identification. And when you (Eben) ran by like a fat lady to the buffet table, you just pulled me along in your back draft. So here I am.
RICHARD: Hey! Hey! There's someone at the fence! JONES: It's the little guy with the club! RICHARD: He's trying to open the gate. EBENEZER: Thank heavens I locked it. RICHARD: Now he's trying to climb it! JONES: And he can't! EBENEZER: He's too short! RICHARD: That's the funniest thing I've seen in my life! They laugh and make fun of his efforts, mimicking him and carrying on and eventually lose track of his progress. In the midst of their merriment... MATHILDA: (from off) Ebenezer! Whatever in the world is going on in there? EBENEZER: Shhh! Nothing dearest! Don't come in! We're... we're just... enjoying the stereopticon slides! MATHILDA: Stereopticon slides? Whatever of? EBENEZER: Don't disturb yourself! We're on our way out to the porch! MATHILDA: I do declare, what if the Bishop... EBENEZER: Now, Mathilda, when my brother arrives, he will... Eben goes off briefly to prevent her coming into the room. During the above conversation Richard happens to glance out the window. RICHARD: Oh my god! JONES: What is it? RICHARD: He's over! JONES: Who is? RICHARD: The little guy. He somehow made it over and he's headed right this way! Boy does he look mad! EBENEZER: (coming back in) You sir, must leave at once! JONES: I'm afraid that is out of the question, the police is about to knock at your door. EBENEZER: The police! JONES: Yes, and if I'm caught, you're caught with me. EBENEZER: Oh, dear god, why did I let you convince me to go to that disgraceful...?
Scene Thirteen: Ebenezer, Richard, Jones, Helma Helma enters with the box that was delivered earlier. She goes straight to Eben. The gentlemen suddenly become calm. HELMA: Box come at door for brother of The Goodly. What Helma should make do with? EBENEZER: A box? HELMA: This one here. For Bish-hop. Want Helma to put in The Goodly room? EBENEZER: Oh! His new clothes! JONES: New clothes? EBENEZER: Yes, Helma, put it upstairs and don't come back. HELMA: (seeing Jones) Who is this? RICHARD: (holding out a bill to her) No one. HELMA: This man is no one? How can someone be no one? RICHARD: (holding out another bill, which she also takes) Very easily. HELMA: You are right. He is no one. EBENEZER: Now take the box upstairs. HELMA: Yessir. JONES: (holding out a five) Helma, you are to stand right there and hold the box out in front of you. HELMA: No one has better idea! EBENEZER: What are you doing? JONES: My dear brother, I am simply trying on my new clothes. RICHARD: Hah! That's brilliant! EBENEZER: That's...? What...? (dawning) Wait! You can't do that! Those are my brother's new clothes, and he is expected any minute, what will I tell Mathilda? JONES: What will you tell her if we are all arrested? Jones has begun removing his clothes and replacing them with the ones from the box. He moves out towards the hall as Helma follows him holding the box.
Scene Fourteen: Richard, Ebenezer, Marjorie, Minerva (Helma, Jones)
MINERVA: (entering) Papa! I found something in this book on Darwin that I want to discuss with the Bishop when he gets here. EBENEZER: Minerva! Wonderful. But perhaps... MINERVA: Listen to this! (she reads a passage from the writings of Darwin) EBENEZER: Minerva, dearest, don't you think that... (an idea) Minerva, I wrote a paper on the subject of Darwin myself, once , and it is in the library! Why don't you get it? MINERVA: The library? Where in the library? EBENEZER: Top shelf, left, behind things. MINERVA: Top shelf, left... EBENEZER: Behind things. Why don't you fetch it for me. MINERVA: Of course, papa... top shelf, left... EBENEZER: And don't come back until you've found it. He manages to get her out. Marjorie enters. EBENEZER: Your turn. MARJORIE: Richard, Dicky, Wicky, Ricky, Ticky, Dicky! You've come back! I thought you had an important business... RICHARD: Short meeting. Right to the point. MARJORIE: Now we can be together for the rest of the evening. RICHARD: No we can't MARJORIE: Why not? RICHARD: There are bats, here. MARJORIE: Bats? RICHARD: Huge ones, flying all over the place. We're... (she sees the clothes fly out of the hall) throwing clothes at them. Old family remedy. For bats. MARJORIE: Oh dear. RICHARD: Yes. You would probably be more comfortable anywhere else. MARJORIE: I will go back and wait on the porch, until it's safe. RICHARD: It may not be safe for a long time. MARJORIE: Oh, Wicky, Dicky, Ricky, Ticky, Dicky... RICHARD: Not now! Bye. He pushes her out, and turns to see how things are going just in time for Jones to come back in dressed as the Bishop of Ballarat.
Scene Fifteen: Jones, Helma, Richard, Ebenezer, Holder
Helma flies in after him, Jones signals to Eben who holds out a bill and points to the back of the house, JONES: You saw nothing.
JONES: Your brother, the Bishop of...? EBENEZER: Ballarat. JONES: Ballarat? Where is that, Oklahoma? EBENEZER: Australia. Oh, dear. There is a pounding at the door. Helma races back. Jones signals to Eben, who holds out another bill . JONES: Say nothing. Helma takes it and flies off into the hall. JONES: Now, we make ourselves calm. There is a moment of sheer, petrified panic, then they all try to find places to sit. This results in pandemonium for a few seconds, but they snap into positions of repose just in time for Holder to appear.
HOLDER: Where is he? Where is that scoundrel ?! JONES: My dear man, do not raise your voice in anger. HOLDER: Who are you? JONES: There is a proverb I know... HOLDER: You look familiar... JONES: No, no, that's not it... it goes like this: "he who raises his voice, speaks loudly". HOLDER: Where is that villain? JONES: There are no villains here. HOLDER: The one who struck me with my billy? JONES: You mean a william, don't you? HOLDER: I mean a billy. He climbed in through that window! JONES: Not possible HOLDER: Why, not? JONES: We have been here all the time. RICHARD: We would have seen him. JONES: Because we were here. EBENEZER: (after being prompted by Richard) Right here. RICHARD: The whole time. HOLDER: Were you, now? JONES: Right here. HOLDER: And you saw no one. RICHARD: Not a soul. EBENEZER: Saw no soul. Soul saw. No one. Us. HOLDER: I see. Very well, then, I'll search the house! RICHARD: But...! JONES: But...! HOLDER: But? EBENEZER: But... we haven't been introduced. Goodly. HOLDER: Holder. RICHARD: Heatherly. HOLDER: Holder. JONES: Holder. HOLDER: Holder? JONES: Holder. HOLDER: You? JONES: No, you. Holder. Am I right? HOLDER: Who are you? JONES: I? He wants to know who I am! (he laughs. Richard joins in.) Why, I thought that would be obvious. Didn't you, dear brother? EBENEZER: You? Oh, yes, of course, forgive me. This is my brother, Anthony Goodly, D.D. the Bishop of Ballarat. RICHARD: Surely you have read about his arrival in the papers? HOLDER: Oh, yes! Well, Bishop, quite honored. He is flustered by this, and bows, genuflects and holds out his hand all at once. The other men, seeing this, relax a bit. JONES: Bless you, my son. HOLDER: Thank you father. JONES: Santum fanta fils harmonium. HOLDER: Thank you father. JONES: My brother and I were having an ecclesiastical discussion when you arrived. HOLDER: Sorry to disturb you, your... your... father. JONES: No, he is my brother. He looks like my father, but his life here in America has been a hard one. Now, haven't you other, more pressing business to attend to? HOLDER: I certainly have. JONES: I thought as much. HOLDER: That bastard that climbed into your house. JONES: Please, my son, moderate your speech. HOLDER: Oh, but if you'd seen him, father. He was a devil he was. About your size, but with a mean leer and a full head of hair. Wait until I get my hands on him! JONES: Now, now, love your enemies. HOLDER: That may work where you're concerned, but it cuts no muster with me. He's a regular desperado, he is. Wanted for horse-stealing, bank-robbery and bigamy, just to give you the top of the list. Now come to think of it, I'm not so sure about that head of hair... RICHARD: Well, I sir for one am astonished! Astonished that you would even surmise that a man of such traditional values and upstanding character as Mr. Ebenezer Goodly here, would for a moment consider that he would allow such a one as you describe to cross his threshold. HOLDER: 'Twasn't his threshold the man crossed, laddie, but his window sill. RICHARD: Then you are here on false assumptions! JONES: False indeed! And if you don't make your assumptions more honest, immediately, I will have you arrested! HOLDER: Me? You can't arrest me? JONES: Upon the authority of the Australian church! We have special jurisdiction over anyone of Irish decent. HOLDER: Is that true? RICHARD: You heard it here. HOLDER: But, we are not in Australia, Bishop! JONES: Exactly, so one sliver of disrespect from you could trigger an international incident. HOLDER: International...? RICHARD: You're in trouble enough as it is, why stay and make it worse? HOLDER: I'm in trouble? RICHARD: Desperate trouble. JONES: On the brink of disaster. RICHARD: The edge of doom! EBENEZER: (a pause while Richard and Jones look to Ebenezer. Weakly... ) A cauldron of trouble. HOLDER: How so? JONES: Tell him brother! EBENEZER: Richard...? RICHARD: I defer to higher authority. JONES: We'll let's put it this way. When the party of the first part, commits aggression upon the party of the second part, there concludes an enactment of compulsion upon the party of the third part, second part notwithstanding, as heretofore mentioned in chapter eight, subsection six, paragraph 7b of the Australian civil code regarding visiting ecclesiastics and their powers pursuant to statutes defined by precedent and penal practice. And mind you, there will be no penal practice in the presence of a Bishop. HOLDER: Lawyer talk. The lump on me head is rising, and I'm going to find that bastard who gave it to me if I have to tear this house apart to do it. Helma enters. HELMA: Professor, Helma have to ask you about window. RICHARD: Officer, I quite agree with you, this is an excellent time to search the house. Ebenezer surreptitiously passes Helma a bill. HOLDER: I don't need company. RICHARD: But you do! Just to make sure your search is exactly as effective as we all wish it to be. They go off upstairs.
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| Copyright © David Zarko, 2000 |
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Sample Two of Three |
| Jones is accepted as the Bishop by all the women of the household, who find him quite charming. Mrs. Goodly sits him down for an interview at the top of the second act. |
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Scene Twenty-One: Jones, Mathilda
MATHILDA: But do tell me of Australia, Bishop. It is, I am sure, a beautiful country. JONES: Ah, yes, Australia. A very hilly land... MATHILDA: Really? Australia? Hilly? JONES: Oh yes, and flat, too. First I must speak of the hilly parts, then I mention the flat. The hills being the more noticeable part. MATHILDA: And what grows there, principally? JONES: Lager and kangaroos are the chief output. MATHILDA: Ah, kangaroos! How charming! JONES: Oh, yes. Charming creatures kangaroos. Carry their young... in pouches... MATHILDA: Oh, yes. JONES: ... on their backs, don't you know. MATHILDA: On their backs? JONES: In backpacks, but worn in the front. Like Eskimos. We have them, too, you know. MATHILDA: Eskimos? JONES: That's where the pies come from. Extreme northern Australia, near the pole. MATHILDA: The pole? To the north? JONES: Yes, there is a large, gigantic pole placed in the north there by the Abor-gines. MATHILDA: Oh, I thought you were referring to Antarctica. JONES: No, she passed on some years ago. MATHILDA: She... passed on? JONES: You didn't know? Yes, she was carried off by a severe chill. MATHILDA: A severe..? (thinking she finally got his joke) Oh! Really, you are quite the wit! JONES: I'm so relieved you think so. MATHILDA: Come now, call me Mathilda, we are family. JONES: Mathilda. We have a saint in our country by that name. MATHILDA: A saint? JONES: Patron of waltzing, if I recall correctly. MATHILDA: Waltzing? JONES: Yes, but to bring the subject closer to home. Your lovely daughters? MATHILDA: Oh yes, our pride and joy. But you know, your Bishopship, we are a bit concerned over our ward, Cecilia, we call her Cissy. JONES: She attracted my attention as well. MATHILDA: Did she? Well, I don't wonder, she was very close to being rude to you! JONES: She never came quite close enough as far as I'm concerned. MATHILDA: You are kind. That girl needs a talking to by someone of unquestioned spiritual authority. JONES: Why, that's right up my alley... MATHILDA: Right up your alley? JONES: Speaking to young women. With unquestioned authority. Especially when there are spirits involved. MATHILDA: Oh, dear Bishop, would you? JONES: I could find it in my heart. MATHILDA: May I take your hand in gratitude? JONES: Be my guest! MATHILDA: She used to be so good, until she went to San Francisco in search of her health.
Scene Twenty-Two: Jones, Mathilda, Ebenezer Eben enters to see his wife and Jones holding hands. He positions himself where he cannot be seen by Mathilda and signals to Jones to stop. JONES: Well, she seems to have found it, all right. MATHILDA: Yes, but since she has returned she has remained restless and dissatisfied. JONES: I know just how to treat that. MATHILDA: You do!? JONES: And treating her will be a treat for me. MATHILDA: Oh, dear Bishop. JONES: Dear Mathilda. This finally gets to Eben and he lets out a growl of some kind. Mathilda looks around to see where it comes from. MATHILDA: Ebenezer, was that you? EBENEZER: Was what? JONES: When might I speak with dear Cissy? MATHILDA: Oh, perhaps in the morning? JONES: The sooner the better, you never know when I might suddenly leave. MATHILDA: You're leaving us, so soon? JONES: You know, life is short, sunrise sunset. Let me speak to her now. MATHILDA: You are so right... She turns to call for Cissy and catches Eben in mid-scowl. MATHILDA: Ebenezer, are you ill? JONES: You're so right, he is! Why, he looks dreadful! EBENEZER: Why you... MATHILDA: Ebenezer, your eye? What happened to your eye? JONES: Yes, Eben, brother of mine, what exactly did happen to your eye? EBENEZER: My eye? Well, I... what would you suggest, Mr. ... uh... Bishop? JONES: (he takes her hand again, Eben seethes) My dear Mathilda, I'm afraid the malady is all too familiar to me. Odd behavior, discoloration about the visual occipital. It could be serious. MATHILDA: Serious, oh dear. EBENEZER: Now, wait... JONES: Hold his hand. I will take his pulse. MATHILDA: Perhaps his temperature, too, the Professor always carries a thermometer. She offers it over Eben's objections, Jones places it in Eben's mouth with his free hand. JONES: Yes, he has a pulse. (counting very slowly) One. Two. Three. Four. I don't know if we have time for that. (reading the temperature) One hundred twenty-seven. Feeling hot, professor? EBENEZER: Extremely. JONES: Just as I thought! MATHILDA: What is it? JONES: When the petaluma comes in contact with the chappiqua, the manitoba presses against the teaneck which causes a sudden rush of blood to the carpathia and settles in the eyes. MATHILDA: Oh dear. But can we be grateful that it is only in one eye, perhaps? JONES: Ah, but the left one. The left eye is the one closest to the heart. Very serious. If the discoloration extends from here to here... well... my dear brother may be in the market for a golden harp. MATHILDA: Oh dear, oh dear! EBENEZER: This is ridiculous. JONES: Is it, brother dearest? Do you have a better explanation for how you got it? EBENEZER: You miserable coward... MATHILDA: Mr. Goodly! JONES: Come now, you can be nicer than that. EBENEZER: I should give you one to match. (Mathilda yelps in alarm) JONES: Really, brother, and at our reunion! EBENEZER: Reunion, my foot. MATHILDA: Mr. Goodly, I have never heard such words from you in all my life! JONES: One of the usual symptoms. Eben can contain himself no longer and leaves the room with a series of mutters and growls. Scene Twenty-Three: Jones, Mathilda
Mathilda runs off calling for Cissy. Jones decides to celebrate with a quick shot from his flask which is still in his jacket in the window seat. He retrieves it just as Cissy comes in, as yet unseen by him.
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| Copyright © David Zarko, 2000 |
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Sample Three of Three |
| Among the women of the household is Mrs. Goodly's sister, Alvina Starlight, who has been carrying on a secret correspondence with the Bishop for five years. In fact, she is reason for the Bishop's visit. She of course believes Jones to be her long distance lover, while Jones has no idea who she is or why she behaves as she does. The real Bishop, dressed in a blanket for reasons too complicated to explain here, is also around, though out of sight. |
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Scene Forty-Eight: Jones, Alvina Alvina sneaks up behind Jones as he watches the young couple leave, and taps him on the shoulder. She has augmented her ensemble even further, Jones turns and is startled by her into a yelp. ALVINA: I must agree with Cissy's appraisal of your fortitude. You were magnificent just now. JONES: I was? ALVINA: That poor deranged fellow. Thinking himself, you! His clothes, his manner... his physique. None of it begins to approach that of the real Bishop of Ballarat. JONES: Funny you should think that. ALVINA: But don't let us speak of him further. Let us instead sit here and talk of ourselves, of one another. JONES: What could be more pleasant? ALVINA: Why sit so far away? Come now, closer. Closer. Surely it is not fear which causes you to keep so far away. JONES: No, not fear. Reverence. Maybe a dash of distraction. Perhaps an ounce of self-respect. ALVINA: How can you be so cold, when your letters are so ardent? JONES: Ardent, are they? ALVINA: Your letters. JONES: Letters, are they? ALVINA: Ardent. I have them all. Five hundred, thirty-seven. Two a week for five years, two months and thirteen days, with occasional lapses for holidays and illness. You have been so very constant. JONES: And if not constant, certainly frequent. ALVINA: What? JONES: Frequently I consider how constantly my letters have been... ardent. ALVINA: Oh, yes! (she advances) JONES: Oh, no. ALVINA: Do you remember that verse you wrote me in number three hundred twenty-four? JONES: I numbered them? ALVINA: How my heart throbbed when I read those precious lines: "I think of you in sunshine, I think of you in rain/ I think of you in gladness, I think of you in pain." Sublime, is it not? JONES: I think of you in pain. Yes, indeed. ALVINA: And the locket you sent me! With your miniature inside. I have worn it here, close to me, all this time. JONES: My picture. And you... wore it. How... nice. ALVINA: See, see how I have treasured it? JONES: If I looked like that I'd sue my father for damages. Why, it's the Bishop! You and him and... I see! ALVINA: What? JONES: What a Bishop looking fellow I was. Am. I looked more the Bishop then than ever before or since, I'm sure, is what I meant. To say. ALVINA: I see. Then you love me? JONES: Love you? Love you? With a passion I adore the very couch you sit on (seeing that she is still standing, he pushes her onto the couch) Adoration too vast for words, love so intense that I could strangle you like Othello, so full of ardor that I could stab myself like Romeo. Poetry isn't my line. ALVINA: What? JONES: Poetry is so divine. ALVINA: Yes, and now I feel finally that you have returned to me. JONES: I have always imagined this sweet, sweet day when would thenceforth be together, forever, hence to the future. Stretching out in an appallingly endless vista of time, our domestic tranquillity warped only by your being there with me, always. Returning from a hard day's preaching and passing of collection plates, coming up to our little bishop's palace, lifting the latch to our gate, calling for my dog, having you rush to my side. Together, always together, we go into our happy home, scream for the children... ALVINA: Bishop! JONES: Yell. Call. Call out, gently, melodiously, gracefully... ALVINA: Children? JONES: The neighbor's... the neighbor's children. You don't think I meant that... why, no Alvina dearest, children, I can call the neighbor's children, can't I? ALVINA: Oh, Bishop. Go on, you sweet, sweet thing. (she places her head on his chest) JONES: Ah, Alvina, how I have yearned for this moment, when you would place your odorous head upon my manly chest, resting it there, weary with the world so that I could play with your flaxen, silken, mound of hair. It is your, isn't it? ALVINA: Oh, Bishop. JONES: Good. Often the truth is not found out about such things until it is too late. ALVINA: I am so, so happy. (she places his head on her chest) JONES: Good, because I wouldn't do this for just anybody. ALVINA: What? JONES: I would do this for no one but you, dearest. ALVINA: Nor I for you. JONES: And now, lovliest of creatures, when shall we have the happy day? (she clasps his head more tightly) ALVINA: Oh Bishop! JONES: Careful. ALVINA: Sorry. JONES: Control yourself. ALVINA: I was momentarily so overwhelmed with joy. (she puts her head on his chest, he plays with her hair) JONES: I find this all overwhelming. ALVINA: What? JONES: Overwhelming to be here in your monstrous presence. ALVINA: What? JONES: In the mountainous presence... of your hair. ALVINA: I know. But, you were saying? JONES: The happy day? ALVINA: Yes! We should wait a respectful time. JONES: Very respectful, I should think. ALVINA: How about tomorrow morning? JONES: That's respectful? How about in five minutes? ALVINA: But the license, we must procure the license. JONES: The trivial things that block the blessed path to bliss. ALVINA: How beautiful! Say it again! JONES: The trivial things that blos the blithed pass to blosh. (he tries several times) Perhaps I could write it for you? ALVINA: Oh Bishop, yes, that would keep alive the tradition. (she sits up suddenly, Jones becomes tangled in her hair) JONES: Aaaah! ALVINA: What's the matter? JONES: Nothing. The struggle to get untangled, and only make it worse. Finally, Alvina breaks loose, and both flustered and aroused by her close encounter with Jones, runs off to restore herself. ALVINA: Excuse me, I have to... have to... oh, dear! Scene Forty-Nine: Anthony, Jones Jones is dizzy from the encounter. Anthony enters. ANTHONY: Excuse me, Dean? Have you seen my clothes? JONES: Yes, and I think you look disgraceful. ANTHONY: No, my new clothes, Francois has taken the others to be pressed. JONES: (a crack) ANTHONY: And my brother, I really must insist that I be taken to my brother. JONES: Oh, he'll be back and you'll be taken. ANTHONY: Good. ALVINA: (off) Dear-est! Are you still there? ANTHONY: Who is that? JONES: I don't know, but whoever it is you don't want to be introduced looking like that. ANTHONY: Oh dear, no. Scene Fifty: Anthony, Alvina, Jones He panics and runs about the room. Alvina is heard just outside the door, and Jones hides Anthony behind the table. During the following, Alvina very nearly discovers Anthony several times. ALVINA: Darling. JONES: Dearest. ALVINA: Sweetheart. JONES: Lovikins. ALVINA: Snookum-wookums, show me how they court in your homeland. JONES: Court? Well, they generally wear wigs and there's a lot of talking and screaming. ALVINA: Wigs! How exotic. You are a man of surprises. JONES: A surprise a minute. ALVINA: Surprise me again, right now. JONES: What are you doing? ALVINA: I am ready to be courted. JONES: Do you think that's a good idea? ALVINA: No one is here. JONES: Almost no one. ALVINA: You are here. I am here. JONES: That's the problem. ALVINA: Why don't stay still? JONES: I've found it's dangerous. ALVINA: Dangerous? JONES: Yes, in my country. ALVINA: Why ever for? JONES: Pigmies. Not easily seen. They sneak up and attack you from behind. Best to keep moving. ALVINA: You have lead such an interesting life! JONES: Not so much as just recently. ALVINA: But all that has changed now that I am here with you. JONES: You underrate yourself. ALVINA: Oh darling! JONES: This is too much for my nervous system. ALVINA: Your nervous system? JONES: Is very nervous. ALVINA: Let me soothe you. JONES: No, I might explode. Combust. I need to be away for you for a few minutes. Your presence is to magnetic, too flammable, too hypnotic. Unless you leave I may have one of my spells. ALVINA: Your spells? You never mentioned... JONES: More like a fit, really. A seizure. Very violent. Please go, just for now. ALVINA: Poor man. Certainly, I will. I had no idea I could affect one so strongly. JONES: Oh! I am beginning to lose consciousness, please, just a few moments out of range! ALVINA: Soon, my love. (exits) JONES: Don't hurry! |
| Copyright © David Zarko, 2000 |