SHELDON: What
am I doing here? Good question. I'm proud of you. You never
were one to get right to the point like that, but that
question is right to the point. I feel dusty.
THE ACTOR: I
thought I'd died, that I'd gone the way of all flesh, that I'd
popped the cork, kicked the bucket and croaked. I'm so glad to
see you, I... How long have you been there?
SHELDON:
Another good question, also to the point. (to the audience)
Hi, I'm Sheldon and I'm being played by [name]. For the
sake of surprise my name wasn't in the program, but if you'll
pass these around, that'll satisfy the union requirements.
Thanks, and please don't tell anyone about me, even if you're
a critic or just reading the play, my entrance is supposed to
be a surprise.
THE ACTOR:
Who're you talking to?
SHELDON: The
audience.
THE ACTOR:
There's an audience?
SHELDON: You,
of all people. There is always an audience.
THE ACTOR:
Where?
SHELDON: Where
are they usually?
The actor,
still is a state of deep shock goes out towards the stage.
He looks out towards where the house should be, peers
mightily, but can see no one. He tries a little funny
acting, waving his arms and doing prat falls, trying to get
a laugh. All this time, Sheldon talks to the audience.
SHELDON: You'll
have to excuse him. His imagination has run away with his
reality. For those of you that never saw him act, he was
really a fine actor. Everyone around him, audience, actors,
technicians, were always startled by the intensity of his
performances. The critics were startled too, and reacted like
startled critics sometimes do. I don't think he ever really
got used to that.
A mystified
actor returns to the wings.
THE ACTOR:
There's no one out there, Sheldon.
SHELDON: My
mistake.
THE ACTOR: So
who were you talking to?
SHELDON:
Myself.
THE ACTOR: Oh.
Hey, it's okay, I do it all the time. I am so happy to see
you. I really did, I had convinced myself that I'd hung myself
over being jilted and panned and that now I was dead and this
was wherever you go to wait out whatever it is that comes
next. I never did figure out where that is. Oh, Sheldon, it's
so good to have company. So what're you doing here? I mean, I
don't even know what I'm doing here. So what am I doing here?
SHELDON:
Recognize it?
THE ACTOR:
That's my watch! The watch. That's the watch I gave... the
woman I love... what's her name.
SHELDON: Karen.
THE ACTOR: No,
something with an "f"... or a "t"...
Karen! That's it, Karen. Is that what you just said?
SHELDON: You've
good taste.
THE ACTOR: It's
nice, isn't it? Yeah. I guess she didn't much care for it.
There's no accounting for... et cetera. So, how come you have
it?
SHELDON: You
don't remember? Kenny, I'm crushed.
KENNETH:
Remember... oh, sure... uh. No. No, can't say that I do.
Remember. Uh. You want to tell me?
SHELDON: Let's
reconstruct the evening.
KENNETH: Okay.
SHELDON: Good. (pause)
You start.
KENNETH: Uh.
Well, I tried to give her the watch. I remember that pretty
clearly... Sheldon?
SHELDON: What,
Ken?
KENNETH: How
long were you there?
SHELDON: Where?
KENNETH: There,
in that pile of curtains?
SHELDON: Well,
I must have turned in around one, one forty. It's three
fifteen now.
KENNETH: Were
you awake?
SHELDON: Not
until you sat on me.
KENNETH: Sorry.
Okay. So I gave her that watch, and she said she didn't like
it, and I took it back and put it on myself. I guess. Then I
had a drink. And then...
SHELDON: Well?
KENNETH: That's
it. From then on, nothing.
SHELDON: Up to
there it sounds like a pretty bland sort of evening.
KENNETH: Yeah.
Bland. Oh right, and then there was a reviewer that tore my
soul out and insulted me in the public press just so he could
appear clever. It was Summer and Smoke, right?
SHELDON: That
was unfair.
KENNETH:
Critics.
SHELDON: To say
that you got lost in your role.
KENNETH: Yeah.
SHELDON: Isn't
that what all actors strive for?
KENNETH: Yeah.
Well, no. Actually.
SHELDON: I'd
think it'd be a very rewarding experience.
KENNETH: Oh,
well, yeah, but... well, no, actually.
SHELDON: I see.
Do I make you nervous?
KENNETH: Me?
You? No. No. Well, actually. A little.
SHELDON: I
don't mean to.
KENNETH: I
know. I just. I just wish you wouldn't smile like that.
SHELDON: You
don't want me to smile?
KENNETH: Not
like that. Shel, when you smile sometimes it makes me weak
inside. You have the most amazing smile I know of, it blinds
me it's so dazzling. It makes me want to fall into something
deep and soft and embracing, be rolled into a ball of clay,
shaped by God, and re-animated as Adam. Did that make any
sense?
SHELDON: A
little.
KENNETH: I'm
sorry, in my mouth words assume a life of their own.
SHELDON: Ken?
KENNETH: What?
SHELDON: You
gay?
KENNETH: No.
SHELDON: Sure?
KENNETH: Yes.
No.
SHELDON: You
should stick to monosyllables, you're easier to understand.
KENNETH: Why,
just because I complimented you on your smile?
SHELDON: Just
curious.
KENNETH: I
mean, can't a guy say something nice to another guy about the
way he looks or acts and not have it be made into something...
?
SHELDON: I just
asked.
KENNETH: I
should've never said anything. I don't know what's gotten into
me tonight.
SHELDON: It
wasn't what you said.
KENNETH: From
now on, when I feel like paying someone a compliment I'll
check for primary and secondary sex characteristics first,
just so there's no possibility of my being resented if they
misinterpret my intentions.
SHELDON: You
don't remember.
KENNETH: Don't
remember what?
SHELDON: That
you gave me this.
KENNETH: I was
going to ask about that. I've been looking all over for that,
ever since I woke up. I thought I'd lost it. That little
orological wonder represents a week's worth of the sweat of my
creative brow, and since the intended recipient disdained my
presentation, I thought maybe I'd try to get a refund. I gave
it to you?
SHELDON: You
don't remember?
KENNETH: Well,
I... no. No, I don't. Why'd I do that?
SHELDON: Here,
here's a script. Here. You play Ken, I'll play Sheldon. Right
here, page twenty-nine. Got it?
KENNETH: From
where?
SHELDON: The
stage directions...
KENNETH:
"The actor sits next to Sheldon... he is holding the
watch limply in his left hand..." Give me the watch. I
hate stage directions like this, too specific, limply in his
left hand. Now unless I hold it limply in my left hand I feel
like I'm doing something wrong. "He moves over to Sheldon
and sits shyly next to him. There is a moment while Sheldon
curiously assesses Ken's mood before he speaks." All
yours.
SHELDON: Play
the scene.
KENNETH: Okay,
okay, I just feel silly doing this.
SHELDON: Play
the scene. (he does) "What's up? Reviews get you
down?"
KENNETH: "Naw.
I get those same reviews all the time. I'm used to it. I'd be
crushed if they said something nice. There's such a thing as
love of consistency."
SHELDON:
"Nice watch."
KENNETH:
"Thanks."
SHELDON:
"Yours?"
KENNETH:
"Hah. No."
SHELDON:
"Well, something's wrong."
KENNETH:
"Why do you think so?" (reading the directions)
He begins to cry.
SHELDON: You
never hold back like this, come on, play the scene.
KENNETH:
"Why do you think so?" (he begins to cry)
"I'm fine. Had a drink and it..." (pause to hold
back tears)
SHELDON: (smiling
warmly) "Oh, Kenny, come on, what's up?"
KENNETH: (directions)
The actor collapses into his arms burying his face in
Sheldon's shoulder. Okay, now wait a minute... Okay, okay. (he
does)
SHELDON:
"I knew something was up."
KENNETH: (looking
up at him) "Put out your hand."
He straps the
watch onto Sheldon's wrist, then takes his hand, strokes it
warmly admiring the watch in place, then very gently,
politely kisses Sheldon's hand. A moment later Ken realizes
what he's done and pulls away.
SHELDON: It's
in the script.
KENNETH: That's
not what I asked. I was drunk, probably.
SHELDON: It was
as very touching thing to have done. It was the first time I
really felt that you had taken me into your confidence. After
all those long discussions over beer about problems with
Karen, frustrations with your career and all that, just that
very simple heartfelt gesture spoke volumes more than all your
raving. I liked it. Made me feel good. Made me like you. (short
pause) I bet you didn't know that during the middle ages
when you swore fealty to your overlord, that the oath was
sealed with a kiss on the lips.
KENNETH: What
are you suggesting?
SHELDON:
Nothing.
KENNETH: So I
gave you the watch. Do you really want it?
SHELDON: Like I
said, the moment was special. I want to keep the moment. The
watch you can have back if you want.
KENNETH: I do,
kind of. Maybe. Actually, I don't care one way or the other,
as long as I know where it is. I can't stand losing things.
SHELDON: So,
how'd you feel about the show?
KENNETH: I kept
trying to connect.
SHELDON: And
she wouldn't.
KENNETH:
Stubborn little bitch.
SHELDON: I've
never known anyone who plunges into a role like you do.
KENNETH: It's a
kind of madness.
SHELDON: Maybe.
So what happened after you gave me the watch?
KENNETH: I
don't know.
SHELDON: Page
36, pick it up right after your speech "You know, it
doesn't look too bad on you, of course I'm a little
drunk..." Find it?
KENNETH: Yeah,
good. "Of course I'm a little drunk, but... Shel? Do you
know what it's like to be rejected?"
SHELDON:
"Of course I do."
KENNETH:
"Well, I hate it. Always have."
SHELDON:
"Strange choice to be an actor, then."
KENNETH:
"It's the only thing I know how to do."
SHELDON:
"Pretend you can do something else."
KENNETH:
"Yeah, right."
SHELDON:
"You're an actor, why not?"
KENNETH:
"Very funny."
SHELDON:
"You know, I don't really believe you're as negative as
you seem to be."
KENNETH:
"Right."
SHELDON:
"You afraid of something?"
KENNETH:
"No."
SHELDON:
"How's things with Karen?"
KENNETH:
"Fine."
SHELDON:
"Really?"
KENNETH:
"She is a parade of neurosis, I just can't believe how
weird she gets. You know what she said about my performance
tonight? She said I was overdoing it! Overdoing it! I fucking
lost myself in that part tonight, I was totally into it, I
have never done better anywhere, in anything. It was her. She
was holding back and if that made me look bad -- and if the
reviews say that I fucked up, when it was me who was on and
her that was messing around -- then as far as I'm concerned,
she's dead. She can take the damned watch and Alma and the
whole fucking show and the whole damn theatre and all that
crap with her, I've had it. I was perfect! Perfect! I hate the
way those kind of people point and smirk at me, like I was
going off the deep end, and maybe I am, but what are they
holding onto anyway that's so goddamn precious? You know? She
just thinks that she's so together, and when I tell her what I
see, what I see, she doesn't even want to hear it! She
just shuts right down, as if I didn't exist! She says, be
patient, like I wasn't patient already. I am very patient!
Nobody wants to move! Everyone just wants to wallow in
whatever little mud puddle they happen to be sitting in
at the moment, and I tell you, I have had it! They can
just sit there, I don't care. I just don't care. At all. I'm
finished with it. What's the point?! They don't want to
listen! So why bother? And I don't care. I don't. I
don't care. Why should I? It's disgusting."
SHELDON:
"So things are fine with Karen."