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"To be or not to be"?

To me this is the most important reality of my being, not to forget that spirit, mind and body are equal to one another in living my life to its fullest.

I have been doing much work in establishing the right relationship with the three parts of myself. Integrating spirit, mind and body has been my life's journey especially since 1974 after I had a life changing experience. I will say more on this in the Dreams & Visions, and Life after Life pages.

Having been raised in a strict French-Catholic family, I was brought up to listen to my parents, the church and my teachers. I pretty much relied on them to show me the way to live my life, I respected their believes and went on my journey (their journey) not realizing that I was not becoming my own person. What was happening inside myself, was not being expressed on the outside.

My upbringing was middle class, I had nothing lacking and much more than most, even though I was the oldest of 8 children. The teachers didn't believe that I came from a large family. My dad was a fireman and worked a second job, my mom a homemaker. We had the first TV on the block, a new car, new house in a nice neighborhood, all this by the early 50s. I had lots of girlfriends and my share of boyfriends, I went to lots of dances and parties.

In 1958, I came down off my ivory tower, when my parents announced we were moving to Florida. This was one of the worst times in my life, a junior in high school leaving a boyfriend, girlfriends a nice school and starting over. My world came crushing down. I had to start all over and I didn't want to, I became depressed and this is when I started to gain weight. In those days kids didn't express their feelings and you also didn't give your opinion, not at 16, you just followed your family.

This would have been a good time in my life to start really listening to myself and what was going on inside me, instead of repressing it all. Many changes were going on inside of me and outside of me, it was all overwhelming. My grades went from As & Bs to Cs and I didn't care. If I had been more open about it all to my parents, boyfriend, friends, etc., I would have come out of the depression faster.

Even now in my 60's it still hurts.

After graduating from high school in 1960, I came back to NH, married my high school sweetheart, Dick and lived happily ...not quite. Reality set in quick. The Berlin Wall went up on Aug. 12, 1961 the day we were married. On our way home on our honeymoon, we heard on the radio that Dick was being activated in the Air National Guard. This meant no full time job and living off the government.

I had a job as a dental assistant but got pregnant right away, only to lose our baby girl when I was 7 months along, on Easter morning in 1962. Linda was stillborn. I was 19 years old.

In 1963 we had a daughher which we named Donna, 6 months later I almost hemorrhaged to death from a miscarriage. In 1964, I went to the hospital for a D & C and woke up with a nurse telling me that I was 3 months pregnant, I was put on hormones and bed rest for most of the pregnancy but delivered a perfectly healthy girl, whom we named Joanne.

In 1965 & 1969 two more miscarriages and in 1972 I delivered a beautiful baby girl and we named her Lisa.

Needless to say during all those years, my body and my emotions were in shock, if I wasn't pregnant I was dieting, my body never had a chance to recover. I have been on so many diets and am know a firm believer in the non-diet approach to living. During this time I never really took good care of myself and to this day have a hard time being for myself, I have a lot of caring to give myself.

I believe it is time to give to myself after all these years of giving to others. I have come to realize that you can't give what you don't have and that I have to love myself first to be able to love others. I try not to feel guilty and enjoy a day off with the grand kids or a Sunday doing nothing and taking a nap. I love to read and this keeps my mind growing.

The inner spiritual being that I have become still hasn't been realized on the outside as much as I would like to express myself. I try to live in a charitable way and not lose it but I am a bit of a prophet and rock the boat in conversation, especially challenging other peoples belief system. I try to do it in a gentle way but at times I have been known to be outspoken but somewhat prophetic.

I do consider myself a mystic-prophet and know that the Spirit of God has spoken many times through my words.
Matthew Fox gives this interpretation of a mystic-prophet: mystic i.e born full of wonder/ prophet: i.e mystic in action, called to interfere with what interrupts authentic life.

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