By Jennifer Kustes

Imagine sitting next to a family with young children in a quiet restaurant. Suddenly, the kids start fighting, and one of them starts to cry. The father grabs the boy by the arm and tells him, "You’re a bad boy," while the mother takes the girl into her arms, smoothes her hair and tells her everything is okay.

Is anything wrong with the way these imaginary parents disciplined their children? According to Rozanne Rucker, a family therapist at Fienberg and Associates, there are some guidelines for parents to improve their disciplining style. She says parents need to be aware of their own issues and be deliberate in their thinking when disciplining their children.

Rucker sees parents make several common mistakes in disciplining kids. These include disciplining when angry, making personal attacks on kids or name calling, and being inconsistent. For example, the imaginary father in the restaurant not only told his son he was bad, but one child was yelled at while the other one was simply hugged and comforted.

Parents can avoid these mistakes by getting to know their own philosophy of child discipline. Parents also need to talk with each other about their individual styles. They need to see discipline as a joint effort and come up with a consistent way to discipline kids.

"Children thrive on knowing what to expect," Rucker says. They need firm and appropriate boundaries in order to be comfortable exploring as kids. She says without discipline, kids don’t know what will hurt them, and discipline helps protect them until they can protect themselves.

Kids find a safety and freedom within age-appropriate boundaries, Rucker says. It is also the parents’ responsibility to guide kids and to show them how to be responsible adults.

Age-appropriate discipline depends on the age and temperament of the kid, and there are several ways to learn what to expect from kids at each age. Rucker recommends reading parenting magazines, talking to other parents and getting to know each child. She also says that if parents are out of control with discipline, they should seek help.

Rucker says the purpose of discipline is to teach and not just to punish. "It’s important not to discipline kids when you’re angry," she says. She advocates the idea of time-out because it helps both kids and parents separate from the situation and calm down.