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Summer 2006 - Dearest Sister (deleted),

Again, thank you ever so much for all of the lovely cards. I keep my collection of them right next to my recliner where they have provided many moments of comfort and the all important sense of family in a life that is now isolated and alone because of disability along with the death of my best friend and husband, (deleted).

I wanted to include this letter along with the card I am sending you. I was able to write a bit using a pen on the card but since the CFIDS disability I write much better using a word processor with spell check. I used to be able to write a letter of great length within a very short period of time before this CFIDS disability brought that to an end. Even after living with this disability since 1997 I still occasionally get a bit upset at all that this illness has taken away from me. However, our Father has been so gracious with helping me to adapt to many of the challenges life presents, especially since the death of my husband. With the computer and this wonderful word processor with the ever helpful spell check I now can take as many hours or days as is needed to share with my Family in Christ. Because of thought fragmentation, caused from the CFIDS disability, I sometimes am not able to effectively verbally share my thoughts with other people any longer. When this disability first struck I would find myself wanting to verbally share with others and I would have all of the ideas I wanted to share inside my head without the ability to speak the words. This CFIDS has also caused me to have weak muscles along with poor balance where I fall down now and then. This along with the effects of colon cancer surgery has caused me to become socially isolated. I no longer mind this isolation as much as I did right after the death of my husband when I was still vomiting from the chemotherapy along with the almost constant diarrhea. In 2003, the four months I was isolated with the cast on my leg from breaking all the bones in my left ankle where I was stuck in a wheel chair was a bit of a challenge. I would hobble around trying to take care of myself and began to look like an over-ripe banana from repeatedly falling down which only added to my daily collection of bruises. This fall that caused the broken ankle was the result of the muscle weakness along with poor balance caused from the CFIDS. I had to have emergency surgery to place a metal plate with several screws on the ankle to hold what remained of the broken bones together. Our Father has since provided ways to allow me to adapt to these challenges. I now use a seated walker with handbrakes and wheels to get around better. Once I am able to have a wheel chair ramp I will be getting by much better. I also am learning to share my thoughts through email and using this word processor with spell check to write notes and letters to my Christian Family.

Where there was initially pain and anger over being disabled there is now humor and patience. These are both gifts from Our Father. Some people wonder how and why I could laugh so much of the time with my life presenting me with such daily challenges? They simply don't understand that laughter is not only the best medicine but the only coping strategy that pulls me through the difficult days. I now am forced to rest several times during the day and at times still find myself getting a bit upset with all that being disabled and left alone has made of my life. And then once I am well rested I see all of the blessings Our Father has surrounded me with. I see and feel His love everywhere in our home that is filled to the brim with memories of love and happiness that my husband and I created together. The most wonderful blessing Our Father has given to me is allowing me to remain here in our home. The place where I have spent the best years of my life with the most wonderful friend and husband that God could have blessed me with. This has made our home the greatest blessing in my life. This is my place of rest, renewal and sanctuary!!! God has allowed our home to give me the life energy I need to survive all of the challenges that being disabled, ill and alone creates. I would not be alive today had I been forced to leave this blessed sanctuary that Our Father has provided for my protection in an otherwise unpleasant world. God knew this all along while so many others thought it would be nothing for me to pull up roots and relocate to someplace else. For years now, since the death of my husband I have been sent to this "Someplace Else" that everyone tells me I will at last find the help that I need to survive the challenges that being a disabled widow has caused. They simply do not understand that "THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!!!!" With disability and illness I need to stay close to my doctors and other resources that are found locally. To move away would make as much since as taking a fish out of water and expecting it to survive. My life's roots are here in our home. This is where I am nourished and sustained. To move away would provide only more social isolation along with making the challenges I am faced with on a daily basis to become beyond my ability to survive. The people who have thrown out the "move" solution to all of life's ills, I now realize, neither love or know me. Those Brothers and Sisters in Christ who know and love me understand why it is essential to my survival that I remain in our home. Home is so much more than plumbing, electricity along with the wood and plaster. It is the shelter in the storms of life that sustains us. If I were well and were surrounded by family moving would not even be an issue. But under the circumstances that I am faced with living through on a daily basis, the social isolation, disability and illnesses, require that I stay put in our home if I want to survive at all.

God has been so good to me throughout all of life's challenges. When the house is finally repaired where the leaking roof and plumbing are fixed I look foreword to having you along with all of my other Brothers and Sisters over for some wonderful visits.

Thank you, (deleted) for the wonderful love and compassion you have shared with me. It is very helpful to feel loved and cared about by my Family.

Your Sister in Christ,
Patricia (deleted)

One of my best childhood memories that I cherish to this day is when, at the age of twelve, I lived with a family that had a Chihuahua as a pet. This small, precious animal became my best of friends and we hung out together as much as possible. We slept together; ate together. He would spend most of his time snuggled up in my lap. I was allowed to go and visit him several times even after I was moved to another foster home.

If God ever allows me to have a repaired, healthy home I would love to one day adopt a Chihuahua who was in need of a good home. I could once again spend some quality time with a good friend that loved to just "hang out" with me and enjoy what is left of my life together.