Home

The following is the first experience I faced after the death of my husband when I found myself alone, ill and in need. The treatment was provided to me by First Baptist Church, Stockton, California. I have now been so totally 'kicked to the curb' by this church that I have come close to ending my life because of the severe emotional trauma inflicted. I am now doing better because I now have been granted my disabled widow's benefits from my late husband's social security but the severe trauma of surviving this treatment will take a very long time to heal. I share this with visitors to my site in the event that someone reading this has been subjected to abuse and neglect by people claiming to love God. If it had not been for the Christian online support group that I was a part of during 2005 I don't know if I would still be alive surviving all of this. It was a person from this support group that contacted the church because he was very concerned about my well being. If you need support from neglect, abuse you have survived from a group of people claiming to love God and I can be of support to you just send me an email letting me know. Also, it is extremely important for us to realize that God never condoned ANY of the harm these people chose to lay upon us in our need. Also, it is extremely important that you do not contact this church out of your concern for my well-being without first contacting me. There was a woman in 2006 from Michigan that did just that and all that resulted was Pastor (deleted) and his wife were sent to my home for a 'surprise' visit to let me know how 'unhappy' this caused my church to become. This only forces them to care about me in a totally superficial manner where their only concern is 'damage control' to restore to the world a sense that they do in fact love God. They will simply deny doing me any harm and place the blame for any suffering they have caused me through neglect, abuse and indifference squarely on me. People they send to my home feel comfortable enough to steal from me and exploit me in whatever ways they think they will be able to get away with. When I share the experiences with Pastor (deleted) he simply tells me he does not believe anyone from 'his' church has caused me any harm whatsoever. But most perpetrators of harm on the innocent say the same thing. The primary goal seems to be to do just as much harm and damage as is possible while convincing the 'public' that the victim is truly at fault. Please read further and decide for yourself but do not contact my church hoping to make my life better because caring people before you have tried to do just that and it has only caused the church to covertly do all they can to destroy me as I continue to work at building a good life that is worth living. If you have any comments or ideas please send them to me. Thank you for all of your love, compassion and concern. God is proctecting and blessing me in ways that just leave me so amazed as I continue to heal from the neglect, abuse and harm that was caused me when I needed to feel loved and cared for the most after the death of my husband while I was still going through chemotherapy for the advanced stage cancer.

2003 - When my husband died in January of 2003 I was still going through chemotherapy for advanced stage colon cancer. I believed that the needed help would be available with completing the needed repairs on the home so that I could successfully win this war I have with advanced cancer. All materials were available to do the job. All that was needed to complete the work was the labor. The Christian Brothers and Sisters in Christ that I had turned to for this needed help decided that I could simply sell my home and move out of California and find somewhere less expensive to live. This was done after they had told me that they loved and cared about me. They were completely aware of my advanced stage cancer and that I am alone without help. I was born here, in northern California and have never been outside of the state. I have never even been on an airplane. I would not have any idea how to locate another home and move by myself without any help. Moving to another state where I don't know anyone whether it is less expensive or not is not something you just pick up and do when you are in the middle of battling advanced stage cancer alone.

Seven months after the death of my husband my left leg went out from under me and left me alone on my front porch with all the bones broken in my left ankle. I had to scoot backwards without use of my left leg or foot to get back into the house. Thank the good Lord I had left the door unlocked and open slightly while I stepped out onto the porch which was my only hope of getting into the house to call 911 for assistance. An ambulance took me to the ER where I was admitted to start the process of emergency surgery to put in two metal plates and several screws to hold what was left of my ankle together.

One week later I was to be transferred to the convalescent hospital and I reached out to people that I thought were my Christian family to ask for a ride. I was told that I was a liability and a ride would not be provided. These were the same people who condemned my home which they did at about the same time they told me I needed to sell my home and move to a less expensive state to live. (Added later - They even offered to find a buyer for my home at a 'fixer-upper' price. They did not want to help me fix up my home but would find a buyer to purchase my home at a much reduced price off market and then this new owner would fix it up. Yes, I guess that is the Christian way to care for a widow in distress - if you have NO love at all for the God you say you worship.) I was left to wonder just how they could treat a disabled, widowed, cancer patient this way during such an emergency crisis? What did it mean when they told me that we were all part of God's family? That we are Brothers and Sisters in Christ?

After the convalescent hospital stay I was sent home. The social worker tried to get the same people to provide necessary assistance with cooking and laundry. They told her that my home should be condemned and it was not safe for anyone to live in or visit. After the social worker made sure my home was in fact safe for me to return to she had a friend of mine from Lodi give me a ride home. She was also a widow and in her late 70's.

After I was home with a new cast I had a medical emergency and the doctor needed me to come to his office to change the cast that was causing possible blood circulation problems which could lead to serious damage to the entire leg. Well, I tried once more to inlist the help of these people who told me that they loved and cared about me as their Sister in Christ. I was once again told it would be a liability to drive me to see my doctor here in Stockton. It was at that time this Brother in Christ told me never to call them again for assistance. Again, the help came from outside of my Christian Family. Galatians 6:2 "Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ."

I had always assumed that our mission was to serve Christ by meeting the needs of the people God brings us into contact with. I still believe this but don't understand why the people who professed to be my Christian Brothers and Sisters are not applying this very important part of God's teachings. We must reach out to people with God's love or we are like the salt that has lost its flavor.

Before these people condemned my home and left me for dead I did a bit of volunteer work at the blood pressure/health information table for the Perish Nurse. I did this while I was still in physical pain from the cancer surgery and chemotherapy. I just wanted to feel that I was part of the family. But after being treated so poorly combined with the broken ankle followed by the emergency surgery to try and patch it up, I decided that if they loved me at all they knew where to reach me. They never have bothered making any contact at all!! So I guess their rationalization of neglecting me would fall under the, "She doesn't attend church anyway so why should we care about her?" Of course they would not give any thought as to the "why" I have only showed up for church on a few occasions since my home was condemned and I was left for dead? They probably figured that no one would ever know or care about how they have treated me. After all, who am I that they should even give me a second thought? I am their Sister in Christ; God's child and someone they said they would love and care about. I guess they thought that lying to me would not matter either? I don't think God will turn a blind eye to how I have been treated as a disabled, widowed, cancer patient left alone and in desperate need.

How thankful I am for the World Wide Web. The modern internet is truly a global community. I have been able to find needed information to help me in my ongoing fight against cancer. I have met so many wonderful people through the internet. They have become good friends and family.

In 2005 someone from a Christian online support group that I was a part of became very concerned about my situation and contacted my church wanting to know why I had been left alone with so many unmet needs? It was at this time that First Baptist stepped up and began to help here. But they did not want to do one bit more then what was absolutely needed to fix their public image damage and make the world think they did in fact care about me. Now that they have reached that goal they are content with once again, as my pastor has informed me by telephone, washed their hands of me. They are hoping that no one finds out that they had to be shamed into helping me in the first place. They would prefer for everyone to think it was their own idea. Do they really believe that the God they say they love and worship is going to allow them to hide under this lie? Well, perhaps the god they in fact worship will turn a blind eye to it all. All I know is that I have somehow survived the severe neglect and their making me feel as if I were nothing more then a worthless piece of garbage for them to dump off in some land fill. I know it will take a very long time to be completely healed from this trauma. They have left me feeling as though I don't deserve being loved and cared for by them or their god. It is the bible that states:

The Mosaic law says, "You shall not abuse any widow or orphan. If you do abuse them, when they cry out to me, I will surely heed their cry; my wrath will burn, and I will kill you with the sword, and your wives shall become widows and your children orphans" (Ex 22:22-24).

And in the New Testament James declares: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world" (1:27).

The prophets over and again declare God's judgment against the nation for economic policies which abuse the helpless. Isaiah, for instance, says - Ah, you who make iniquitous decrees, who write oppressive statutes, to turn aside the needy from justice and to rob the poor of my people of their right, that widows may be your spoil, and that you may make the orphans your prey! What will you do on the day of punishment, in the calamity that will come from far away? To whom will you flee for help, and where will you leave your wealth, so as not to crouch among the prisoners or fall among the slain? For all this (God's) anger has not turned away; (God's) hand is stretched out still. (Isa 10:1-4)

But that is all now between them and their god to work out. The God I know, love and worship would never allow me to do to anyone ever what First Baptist Church has felt comfortable doing to me as I tried to survive alone and ill after the death of my husband.

I gave $700.00 to the church in 2006 because I thought they truly did care about me with all I was surviving alone here. I gave a two year old $500.00 HP computer to one of the board members that needed a computer to write a book she had told me she was working on but did not have a computer to use. After about a year she offered to return the computer that I had given to her as a gift. I did not want the computer returned and told her she could pass it on to whomever she wanted. Shortly after this she called me and asked if what I wanted was 'free' help here. This was at a time after my husband's death left me disabled alone trying to survive on only our savings account while I waited five years to receive my needed disabled widow's benefits. I told her not for free but not the $250.00 for 12-inches of galvanized water pipe that the person wanted from me that the church sent to my home to repair a leak in a water pipe that should have been replaced a long time before but greed being what it is no one has offered to help with the needed labor even though I provide all materials and supplies for the needed work along with a 'thank you' financial gift after the work has been completed. This person placed a rubber band patch on the pipe that was only intended to be used to connect two hoses in a dishwasher that were not under constant pressure and had no gaps in-between these hoses. This 'patch' was placed on hot water pipes that had a 1/2 inch gap between the two ends and was under constant pressure with very hot water from the hot water tank. This person showed me his work and I noticed the 'patch' bulging and he let me know that it was designed to do that and there was no danger of it bursting. The patch burst around 10PM that night and began flooding my home that has all wood floors with hot water from the hot water heater. I was able to make it out to the main and shut the water off but this could have truly ruined my floors and caused extensive damage throughout my home. When this person was tracking down the leak he told me I should contact my home owner's insurance company and that they would pay him at least $8,000.00 and probably much more for water damage to the floors which at the time had no damage done to them at all!!! After the disaster that would have occurred had I not been able to get to the water main to shut off the water I now wonder just what was in 'reality' going on.

Also, I gave a brand new $300.00 above ground swimming pool to one of the people the church sent to my home to help out one day with yard work and organizing things in the work room because she had asked me about it for her sister's children and I felt that she had worked hard that day at 'caring' about me. I later discovered that Romex electrical wiring along with the following items were stolen from my workroom/garage area by this 'gang' - mission team that the church sent to my home May 3, 2008 to 'help out' here. It turns out they were more interested in helping themselves to my possessions then anything else. Some of the other items that were stolen that day were two copper bars weighing about 40 to 50 lbs. Some of my storage bins were taken. All I know is that when I was in the garage a woman member of this 'team' felt comfortable with taking one of the new storage bins filled with my canning supplies out to her car until the 'team leader' noticed me watching her do this and called out to her to stop and mentioned to her that I probably wanted to keep these canning supplies which I replied, "Yes, I do." If it had not been for a neighbor stopping me in the driveway to talk to me for about 45 minutes I now just feel sick to think of just how much more they would have been able to take from my home. It was shortly after I came on scene in the garage that everyone began going home. I guess that put an end to whatever they were doing in there? Also, I now cannot locate the huge supplies of masking tape I purchased to do the painting and other work around here. Could it be that they stole this also? My new, good tool belt is missing along with the spools of edging line for my electric edger. When I shared with my pastor that items had been wrongfully removed from my home he told me on the phone that he does not think anyone he sent to my home took anything from me. That only lets me know that he could not care less about me and my well-being is all. I saw the Romex electrical wiring just before these people went into the work room to clean it up for me. When they left it along with these other items and probably much more that I'm not even aware of were taken without asking me if I wanted to get rid of these items. And to think I gave a $300.00 brand new above ground swimming pool to one of these people because I thought the care they were providing me with was so terrific and kind. It will take several years for me to 'recoup' the cost of what was taken but at least it was limited to the work room and garage - I hope!!! Also, someone in the group broke into one of the trunks that my husband had out there. I know this because I had been looking for the key to the trunk because when I went to look into it one day I could not open it and it was well locked and when the 'team' was finished it was completely pried open and it was thoroughly trashed inside as if someone had gone through it looking for valuables. My husband was very neat and I know this is not the condition he would have left this trunk in.

The REALITY of the stove - The stove that was donated to me has a broken oven door and a huge dent in the side of this door. I just hope that someone did not come up with the idea of providing me with this damaged stove just so they could claim it as a tax deduction on their taxes. The leader of this group referred to the stove when she called me about it as a 'new' stove in perfect condition. This turned out to be very untrue. The stove is good enough for my needs living here alone but it has no market, resale value and would be considered junk on the market.

Also, my pastor is stating that PG&E that he connected me with to help me here provided me with new widows for my home. This is a lie. PG&E NEVER gave me new widows for my home. They provided the new central heat/air unit along with the hot water heater that does not work right even to this day and did a bit of weather stripping is all. Which was why I gave the $500.00 thank you gift to the church in 2006. I have since noticed that the sections of duct work they added to attach the unit to have not been insulated so now all that is between the indoor air and the attic air is the thin sheet metal. All of the duct work that was already in place has been well insulated for several years now. Also, I've tried to get the help needed for someone to adjust the blower fan speed because it is causing such strong air flow that it sucks the filter up into the duct work. Perhaps one day I will be able to take care of this myself. It has just been the exhaustion from my disability with coping and trying to get everything done around here alone. When I am feeling better I am just amazed how much God has allowed me to get done. Yes, it now takes months and even years to accomplish what was a matter of days and weeks before disability became a challenge for me but so many people coping with disabilities cannot do very much at all and need around the clock assistance just to survive. Even if I am ill in bed many days I am able to remain on my own. With the help of the electric scooter I'm able to get out into the gardens and when I am able to drive a short distance I am able to take my seated walker to help provide a place to sit when needed. This has prevented further broken bones and injuries. God has blessed me and cared for me in wonderful ways. It is just there are times when it is all just too much doing everything alone is all.

I gave two thank you gifts of $50.00 each to both Pastor Jim and his secretary for the efforts in helping me. But if I had known that what they were really doing was only damage control to get people to think they cared about me when they in fact did not care I don't think I would have given them any 'thank you' gift. Considering what they were really 'giving' to me all along was neglect, abuse and a broken heart along with trying to make me feel like a worthless piece of garbage they could simply dump into a land fill somewhere. So if they tell you ALL they have done for me just remember what their motives truly were all along. God is providing for me and bringing healing into my life and I now understand that He was trying to teach me why I should not trust people simply because they come into my home claiming to be my Brothers and Sisters in Christ. I wanted so much for us to be a close, loving, caring family but it all seems to be about, "Show me the MONEY" and nothing more.

Also, I gave a check for $500.00 to the gal I gave the new swimming pool to that I had made out to the church. It was later given to the person that put together this group. This person that had the check last is now stating that there never was any such check. I'm glad I have the email she sent to me where she discusses having this check in her possession. Please click on the following link to go to the page that has this email proof of the $500.00 check I gave to my church on May 3, 2008 or you may continue to read this page and click on the link that you will find located at the bottom. I will organize the pages better later. I'm just too exhausted from all of this right now. I know you have asked me to share these experiences with you and I thank all of you for your caring support as I begin the healing process but it has been very painful surviving all of this and my disability can leave me ill in bed at times. But I will get these pages better organized hopefully one day soon.

What I am most thankful for is that society can no longer get away with shoving disabled people out of everyone's sight and forcing us to keep silent about it. Not all that long ago it was common practice to hide disabled people away where they had no contact with anyone at all. The internet has made it where anyone that has access to a computer and even the low-cost dial up internet service they are given a voice that can be heard around the world. Because isolation and being made to feel unloved are hard to cope with at times. Having a voice is what gives life meaning. Unfortunately there are many people that still would love to return to the old days of shoving disabled people out of sight and forcing them to keep silent about the care they receive.
Patricia

The above 'Thanksgiving Time' poem was written as I was beginning to enter my seventh year of surviving neglect, abuse and indifference at the hands of people trying to 'control' the damage to their public image that was caused by their treatment of me since the death of my husband in January of 2003. Here it was thanksgiving time and the person, church board member that I had given a $500.00 HP desktop computer to for a book she was writing but had no computer to do the job with and then her calling me asking if what I wanted was 'free' help to survive my situation here alone after receiving and enjoying the 'free' computer I gave her was now making me aware at this special time of year just how alone and unloved I truly was. It would have been kinder for her to simply leave me alone then to shove my face in the reality of how much she along with my church truly loved me. The following email is my response to the care given me during the sixth holiday season I spent surviving alone. They seemed only interested in forcing me to experience just how neglected and alone I truly was. I now think it was their way to make me suffer for not keeping silent about the treatment I have received at their hands. We all have real limits on the amount of needless suffering we are able to endure and my church has been determined to push those limits beyond the extreme. Again, please do not contact this church in hopes that they will begin to truly care. This only makes them want to harm me more.

Date: Nov 24, 2008 11:20 AM

Dearest Pastor Jim and Sister (deleted),

The Holy Spirit has brought it to my attention that there are those people that would have you think the care provided to me has been more then it actually in fact has been. No one has dropped off any church CD's and awhile back someone from church mailed me two CD's but this has been awhile ago. That is fine and my only concern is that the person sending me these two CD's may have been thinking that they were just filling a gap missed by someone that they thought had been supplying me with these desired sermons and lessons from our church. No one has done this and the Holy Spirit knows the true neglect I have been subjected to for these past six years and He wants to make sure that no one tries to cover up this neglect by making you think that care has been provided that simply has not been given. This is why I feel led to send you a copy of the email I shared with (deleted) recently. I am surviving the neglect I have been living with now since the death of my husband six years ago but with the very high price tag of great harm caused to both my physical and mental well-being. After living with neglect and then to have someone point out to me how it is now the "holidays" and would it not be nice to share a bit of their holiday leftovers with me? Just makes me ill beyond belief. It is an admission that I am alone, isolated and living with unmet needs and because it is now the holidays they can "spare" a bit to share with me just makes me even more aware of just how truly neglected I in fact am. I suppose people have a bit of "free" cheer to share with me during this time of family and giving? Just who gets to feel good from this act of generosity anyway? I prefer to pass on this 'free' plate of thanksgiving left-overs and I will remain as I have for the previous 364 days alone with my unmet needs. I just wanted to make sure that you are aware of the tactics people use to allow themselves to feel 'good' about the quality of care I receive. When my needs are at last met I will have Christian family to sit down at my table with me and enjoy a thanksgiving meal as family and not merely dropping me off a cold plate of leftovers at 8PM at night as was done last year to leave me to 'heat and eat' alone. I guess it made the giver of this plate of food feel better in some way but then they are able to call and ask me if I want 'free' help in my efforts to survive the nightmare of these past six years of neglect and abuse. I guess I'm just too worn out and exhausted trying to do everything around here alone to see the 'generosity' of their behavior. I have thanksgiving along with my birthday and Christmas to get through and cold leftovers from someone's feast is not going to help me feel better about facing it all alone while being surrounded with so many unmet needs. I did not feel bad about the 'alone' part until people that have not had much to do with me for the past 364 days begin to want to 'share' their bounty with me. Just a bit too much pain in the giving of the leftovers off a table of plenty - in so many more ways then just one. I have no choice but to endure the pain of living with unmet needs but to have crumbs tossed at me during my trying to cope with all of this alone is only very painful and am just sorry those that view it as generosity just don't see the whole picture they have painted for me to live in.

I felt that perhaps you were not aware what some people do to make themselves feel better about the reality I live with every second of everyday alone here. Someday my Christian family can come into my 'healthy, fixed up' home and share a real thanksgiving meal among us as family. Now that would really be something good to share. I simply don't have the physical/mental health any longer that would allow me to face the reality of the care given as I try to survive it alone and even more so at this time of year when people go out of their way to force me to face this unpleasant fact. I'm so very exhausted anymore.

Your Sister-in-Christ,

Patricia (deleted)

-----Original Message-----
From: (deleted)
Sent: Nov 18, 2008 1:23 PM
To: Patricia (deleted)
(deleted)

Hello Patricia,

How are you today. I have tried to call you and your phone is busy or off the hook.
let me know if you are all right..

i thought I would drop by next Monday and bring you a couple of tapes from church of Sunday Services. Is there any thing else you need?

The holidays are near and I don't know what you are planning to do. I know it is hard for you to go and stay long anywhere. I will bring you a plate from my daughters again.

Please le tme know how you are.
Love (deleted)

Date: Nov 21, 2008 12:15 PM

I am learning how to use my weaving loom and also how to use the spinning wheel to make my own yarn to weave and crochet with. All of the information and lesson material is on the internet so with the $10.00 basic dial up access I have it takes forever to do anything on the internet. Simply updating my virus proctection can take hours!!!. I'm still trying to complete this task and my internet connection times out and I have to start all over again. I think I have been at it about a week or so now. But slow go is better then no go and at $10.00 per month for internet access I am just thankful I have this available. I would be totally isolated without the internet and this is the only way I have had to learn about how to grow the plants in my garden that feed me.

Food does not taste good to me anymore so I will pass on the plate of food. The church CD's can be dropped off anytime someone is in the neighborhood. They can just pop them in the mailbox or mail them to me in batches to save on postage. Holidays make me feel like so much thrown out trash anymore so I just stay in bed during this time to rest and get through it the best I know how. When I am learning obout weaving and other survival skills on the internet I feel a bit better and hopeful about life so I'm on line a lot of the time anymore. It helps to keep my mind off the reality of this life.

Patricia

Shortly after my husband died back in 2003 I gave a small donation to Oprah Winfrey's Angel Network because my husband and I always loved the enormous amount of good she has brought into this sad world of ours. My husband and I would watch Oprah's show and so many times it helped us to know that all that was needed to make this a better world was for people to care enough to make the good happen. As I watch her shows now I very much feel the presense of my husband close by cheering her on for the good she is still bringing into our lives. Thank you, Oprah and everyone that has her spirit of caring. It is the few that do so much of the good in this world that has kept my spirit alive with all of the pain from the neglect I live with daily since my husband's death. We need to acknowledge the Angels in our midst.

If you find yourself being attacked such as in the case of rape or some other violent crime? Be sure to yell for help using the word, "FIRE". That way you increase your chances of someone coming to your rescue. Some of the reasoning behind this is that other people will hear "FIRE" being yelled out and consider their own personal safety issues and that of the people around them that they hold near and dear to them and do what they can to alert the proper authorities and then place their complete focus onto the "FIRE" which they perceive as a personal threat until the situation is taken care of and resolved to their satisfaction. However, if they hear the word "HELP" or "RAPE" or some other words that would indicate that this harm is something that is being done to a stranger? They will avoid this environment and focus on protecting their own life and the lives of those around them that they care about. Perhaps they will call emergency services or perhaps they will just move on with their own life and feel thankful that what has happened to a stranger did not happen to them. I have even heard of cases where a person was being attacked and people stood around and did nothing to help out.

I don't understand this behavior but it does help explain why I have been subjected to death by neglect as a disabled widow in need after the death of my husband in 2003. Having now survived five years of this crises? I now know a bit about just how "hardhearted or tightfisted" our society actually is. Even though the bible makes it very clear that we are to care for orphans and widows in their distress? This "hardhearted or tightfisted" treatment also comes from the Christian community. This has caused me to become extremely fearful of life in general and people in particular. I guess I have now developed what could be called a social phobia or social anxiety. All I know for sure is that it has caused me to become extremely cautious of people and fearful to leave my home. Home for me is the one place in this entire messed up world that makes sense to me. It is the one place I feel whole, complete and protected to at least some degree. For me, there truly is, "No place like home". As long as being a disabled widow in crises is being perceived as something that is happening to me and does not directly effect other people? It would appear that I will be left to fend for myself and survive or die from the neglect without intervention from anyone that may have the ability to help with this crises that has now been my life for the past five years. This people, is a part of our society as it is today.

Patricia, Stockton, California

The first couple of years after the death of my husband I would not allow myself to think too much on the negatives of disability, death, illness and some of the hardships these challenges can cause. I instead wanted so much to believe that life was this beautiful experience where every negative could be turned into a positive with just enough determination that I would find myself refusing to even acknowledge any of the negatives most of the time. I went with the "name it and claim it" way of thinking. So in my mind I decided that I was full of health and wellness and even tried to tackle many of the repair challenges that our home still presented after the death of my husband. I ignored the aches and pains that my body would constantly be warning me that I was overdoing it. Many times I would be flat on my back sick in bed for a week or more because I refused to acknowledge my disabilities. I just started treating life as though I were well and able to do any fix it job that was needed here to live that wonderful life that I was determined to claim no matter what the reality of my true physical and mental state. I wanted to run away from the reality of being disabled and needing the help of other people to allow me to survive all of the many challenges I was now faced with alone. However, over a period of a few years my bruised and battered body, mind and spirit began to insist that I begin to accept my physical and mental limitations and let go of the "name it and claim it" determination that I believed would make the harsh realities of disability, death and unmet needs just simply go away with enough time and "name it and claim it" determination. Every now and then I am still tempted to try and drag out a step ladder and tackle some project. If I were not alone and I knew that if I fell off the ladder that someone would be around to help out I think I would climb the ladders and risk any injury that may result. But there is no one to help should a problem arise. So for now I must think of ladder climbing as something I may be able to do again one day when I am no longer left isolated, alone and in need. I have been able to keep busy on my better days with the help of the electric scooter outside in the yard and using the cane and walker in the house when needed. I have learned that there is a lot I can accomplish sitting down. I don't have to be climbing a ladder to feel that I am getting some of the work done around here. It may take me a year to complete a task that would have only taken a week or month years ago but I am just so happy to be able to at least work at a task that I am now much better at accepting all that I can no longer do alone and instead focus on the little I still can work at.

The best blessing God has given to me through being physically disabled is that of learning to take life slowly as it comes instead of trying to live life according to the ever faster rules of the human rat race. This has not been an easy adjustment and it is often still not an easy adjustment for me every now and then. I have shed many tears because of the physical and mental limitations caused from the CFIDS and the MPS. The worst of the pain comes from people who are fully involved in the human rat race wanting nothing to do with me because I am forced to live life in slow mode. OUCH!!! Yes, there is a huge amount of emotional trauma that comes with being pushed out of the way; out of sight and being made to feel that I am not worthy of being loved and cared about. God has taken this pain and turned it into gratitude for so much in my life that I still am able to enjoy. The blessings are absolutely the greatest!!! I have my garden where I am able to grow much of my own food plus the added pleasure of being able to experience all of the flowering plants and trees. I have my birds and dwarf hamsters to share love with. I may have been kicked to the curb by society but my babies are always here with me. I just wish I had not believed all of the cheap talk of the church all of these years that told me how orphans and widows in distress can find a safe haven in the open arms of the church. God's word tells us, "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world." (James 1:27). "If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother." Deuteronomy 15:7. "There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land." Deuteronomy 15:11. I know that God is busy cleaning His house of the trash that would make a disabled widow feel unloved and neglected. When God tells us to care for orphans and widows in their distress? He means for us to follow through on this in a big way or it will not only be the orphan or widow in distress who is suffering. Those ignoring this God given mandate will experience far more pain and suffering then the orphan or widow in distress ever could know. God is providing for my needs while He completes His housecleaning. People who truly love God and have compassion will at last one day be able to care for those of us orphans and widows in distress and turn this distress into lives filled with gladness and joy. These are the words of comfort that our Father, God has given to me to ease the pain of my broken heart that has been caused from willful neglect from people God has mandated to care for me as a widow in distress. God is love!!!

Thank You, Father for loving those of us who are faced with being left orphaned, widowed, alone, ill and in need. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

We will make a world that is free of all the reasons there currently are that make abortion necessary for so many living with a desperate situation.

We will go out of our way to be loving and supportive of one another as we journey through this life.

We will actively follow God's admonition to care for orphans and widows in distress. James declares: "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to care for orphans and widows in their distress, and to keep oneself unstained by the world" (1:27).

The prophets over and again declare God's judgment against the nation for economic policies which abuse the helpless. Isaiah, for instance, says - Ah, you who make iniquitous decrees, who write oppressive statutes, to turn aside the needy from justice and to rob the poor of my people of their right, that widows may be your spoil, and that you may make the orphans your prey! What will you do on the day of punishment, in the calamity that will come from far away? To whom will you flee for help, and where will you leave your wealth, so as not to crouch among the prisoners or fall among the slain? For all this (God's) anger has not turned away; (God's) hand is stretched out still. (Isa 10:1-4)

"If there is a poor man among your brothers in any of the towns of the land that the LORD your God is giving you, do not be hardhearted or tightfisted toward your poor brother." Deuteronomy 15:7

"There will always be poor people in the land. Therefore I command you to be openhanded toward your brothers and toward the poor and needy in your land." Deuteronomy 15:11

It is not enough to say we love God. We must live every moment actively doing God's will in this world. That would eliminate the situations that create a need for abortion along with most of the other needless misery that we are surrounded by today.

If we are pro-life? We will work at making a world that is pro-life in our behavior. A pro-life world would be a place where all babies, mothers, widows, orphans and everyone hurting and in need would be well cared for. Until this is a pro-life world we will continue to see choices made that end misery by ending a life.

We cannot be pro-life unless our daily behavior says we are pro-life. We must daily walk the walk and that would make for a pro-life society. It would also make for a society where widows, orphans and those in need would be well cared for and provided with life worth living instead of the misery that rules many of the lives of those in need today. These hurting people in need are usually pushed aside; out of the way and left to survive their difficult situations without the support that is needed to live a full life with purpose and hope. In a pro-life society hurting people in need would not get pushed aside. The needy would no longer be made to feel ashamed and worthless as though they were human garbage to be dumped and forgotten. If we are pro-life we must also be pro-care for hurting people in need.