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| 4-22-03 Austin & Val 6:57pm
(VAL STARTS)Once upon a time...There was a rabid raccoon named Shelby. Shelby was a homely raccoon w/fur matted down by his uncontrollable foaming of the mouth (can't go wrong with foaming of the mouth). Poor Shelby had no friends. All of the other animals ran away from Shelby and the ones who didn't run, got mysteriously and ravagely attacked by Shelby himself. "Rar-gala-rar-rar!" fizzed Shelby, "I want friends!" So to solve his problem, Shelby devised a master plan...(AUSTIN STARTS)he went to counseling! He gave himself a pat on the back for that one, for a good plan it was. He realized that he might not be able to change the fact that he had rabies or his physical attributes, like his wooden leg or his two extra belly-buttons (or his strangely uncanny resemblence to a labrador; because he was in fact, a labrador). However, if he could accept himself for the foamy-mouthed, wooden legged, 3 belly-button having labracoon that he was, he would ultimately get rid of that rash. Damn that rash. So Shelby tried to swallow his pride but found that he couldn't on account of his rabies. Then he decided that maybe he should swallow his pride figuratively and that worked much better. having done that he set off for his psychiatrist. Much to his surprise, when he stepped outside, (dun, dun, dun!) (VAL STARTS) he realized that he had not actually stepped outside because he lived outside so how could one step outside when they had never stepped inside and if he had not stepped inside, where was he stepping out of? Outside? Could you step outside from outside? Shelby was puzzled, this was something to be brought up with his shrink a.k.a. psychiatrist. After much internal struggle with the whole 'stepping outside' debate, Shelby finally got to the psychiatrist's office. He stepped inside (this he was sure he could do because he had originally been outside so it was safe to say that he had stepped inside) and sat down in her office. She asked him a few questions about himself and Shelby answered. She continually responded with "uh-huh. yes. right." Shelby felt for the first time like somebody understood him. Shelby wanted to shout from the rooftops, "I am Shelby the labracoon! Don't be jealous of these mad beats I be layin down fo ya!" Then Shelby realized that he had not laid down mad beats of any sort and that would be his goal...to lay down mad beats like the rabid labracoon mo'fo' that he was. But before Shelby got the chance, Shelby questioned his shrink on the whole step outside issue and she responded, "uh-huh. yes. right" This made no sense at all. Then Shelby thought to himself, 'dat bitch done played me! she hasn't heard a word I've said! In fact, we don't speak the same language at all, I, Shelby, am a labracoon and I speak labracanese, she speaks english!" Then Shelby took a good look at his shrink and noticed that she didn't have any legs, just bloody stubs with stings of muscles hanging from them. Then Shelby realized that her legs were in his foamy mouth...damn rabies...then Shelby wanted to continue his savage attack when he realized that he couldn't because soon, she would have wooden legs and fellow wooden leggers don't do that sort of thing to each other so instead, (AUSTIN STARTS)he let out a whooping cry in minor thirds. Well, that didn't sound half bad! It gave Shelby an idea. Shelby decided to channel his musical talents and formed a death metal boy band with a Russian fox, a badger, and an opossum (can NOT go wrong with a Russian fox). They called themselves the Slammin Bammin Hammers of Destruction and went on three and a half world tours before calling it quits after the Russian fox was killed and made into a scarf halfway through the third world tour. Shelby became a household name and a national sex symbol. All women were attracted to him, quadrapeds, tripeds, and bipeds (not to mention unipeds and nopeds). What was it about Shelby that was so irresistible to women? Was is his huge balls? His huge penis? Or was it because he had rabies and was very violent and controlling and most of the trashy whores that listened to death metal were dirty and had low self esteem and liked a bossy man who would have rough sex with them even though they were forty and washed up? Nah, it was definitely the penis. So Shelby had a ton of groupies who were all like, Shelby, I want to have your baby! And he was like Ho, please! You can't handle the flava I got. Shelby didn't love those hoes. He was a tru playa. Until he met Conchita Maria Guadalajara Tostada. Who cares how they met? They just did. In fact, it's none of your mother fucking business how the fuck they met. Really, who the fuck do you think you are, barging in on other people's lives? The details of how they met are highly X rated (triple X, actually) and involved a convent of Mexican nuns, a smoke machine, a cucumber patch, and lots of mardi gras beads. So when Shelby met Conchita Maria Guadalajara Tostada, it was love at first bone. They immediately decided to get married and have many many babies. So they got the matrimonial ceremony gobbledy-gook out of the way Las Vegas style and went on down to Mexico for a freaky deaky fiesta aka honeymoon. But then when they were consummating the marriage, Shelby remembered his shrink and how he gnawed her legs off, so he did the same to his beautiful bride. She was screaming "Dios mio!" And he was screaming "Me like leggy!" After eating his bride, he felt terrible! What had he done? He had devoured his one and only true love! What place was there in this small cruel world for a wooden legged, three belly button havin' labracoon with rabies? None. There was no place. Shelby then wandered onto I-80, determined to end it all when his guardian angel appeared to him and told him not to do it. So Shelby wandered off the road but he wasn't watching where he was going and accidentally walked into an electrical fence. Sucks for him!!
4-15-03 Austin 10:26am
This is my first story. But unlike Valerie's stories, this one is one hundred and fifty-five percent true. Or TRU. I guess it depends where you be hailin' (is that how you say it?) from. I know Master P would say it's Tru.
So one day I go down the cafeteria for dinner. Ya follow me so far? So when I go down there I notice something's different. It wasn't the rave going on in the kitchen, complete with techno dancing and ecstasy. It wasn't the dancing bear (he just works there, and he can make one helluva sandwich). Nor was it the huge bonfire in the middle of the room with Aborigines dancing around it their full war decorative headpieces. Those were just the international students, and they were actually Bulgarian.
Then I see this tiny sign underneath the clock against the opposite wall in twelve point Times New Roman font that says--"Theme for today: Survivor Night." I was sliding to the food line (yes, sliding, because a giant Slip N Slide had been placed there, on account of that is how people get around in the Australian Outback) when all of a denā¦BAM! Nothing happened. You can bet I was surprised, especially since there was a BAM! for no apparent reason.
And just when nothing happened, this cafeteria lady said to me, It's survivor night. Let's see if you can survive it. And then she laughed a diabolical laugh. You know the kind I'm talking about. She tried to suppress it at first like Dr. Evil but then it escaped and turned all high and screechy. I told her she ought to get that screechy-ness checked out, it didn't sound good, it could be diphtheria or even the whooping cough and she said that she would, so long as I tried the buffalo wings. So I did and guess what? They were undercooked and I didn't even get sick. So, I survived survivor night and showed that bitch what's up. I win!!!
4-15-03 - Valerie
So get this, I went to the grocery store today and all I wanted were some Oreos. I mean, who doesn't want Oreos. So I walk into Hy-Vee and they've got free sample people just wandering about trying to get me to eat and hopefully buy their piece of shit product that I never wanted to buy in the first place. So the first lady comes up and she's pretty normal and all she wants is for me to try her new and improved pizza. Tasted the same to me but I humored her and told her it was the best pizza I had ever tasted and that it was as if my taste buds had exploded I felt like I had entered a whole new world of pizza-y goodness. So blah blah blah, enough of that. So back to the Oreos...they were out! Sons of bitches! So I went to the service counter to see what was up and do you know what they told me...the arrogant bastards told me that some giant mass of blue fur bought them all! Immediately I knew, Cookie Monster was at it again and I had had enough of it. So I went over to his house to lay down the law. Well I got lost and so I ran into some huge elephant type thing called "Snuffy" well I guess he must like his chewing tobacco to earn himself a name like that...anyway he started singing some song at me all, "Won't you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street." And I was like, "that's what I'm asking you, don't ridicule me!" Then I broke him like a bad habit. That ought to teach him. So yeah by that time I wasn't even hungry and didn't care about the Oreos so I went home and took a nap. The End
4-15-03
Austin's Crazy Quiz
8-23-02 - Valerie
How it all started:
How about I make up a story and you pretend it's real...Good idea, huh? Okay here it goes. Today I was moving in and a giant bird came and stole all of my stuff out of my hands! (Don't you hate it when that happens?) So I picked up a giant rock and threw it at the bird, in hopes that it would go cross-eyed and drop my stuff. Well the plan went as planned until the bird flew into a window. The bird died and I was arrested for involuntary bird slaughter. Now I am emailing you from jail. Good times, huh? Thanks for playing!
8-25-02 - Valerie
One day I went dancing down the street. Yes, dancing. For, walking and running had been outlawed so you had to dance everywhere you went. And if you were in the car, You had to have one that bounced around so that it appeared as though your car was dancing. Yep that's right, dancing cars! You better believe it! So, anyway, I was dancing down the street and suddenly a Vampire came out of nowhere. He danced me(since the law will not allow chasing he had to dance after me) for miles and miles until Joe Joe the dog-face boy (he walks, he talks, he crawls on his belly like a reptile) cut me off! Then Joe Joe the dog-face boy danced (chased only new style and law permitting) me from the other side! I was cornered! And I had nowhere to run! (haha, those mean the same thing) The vampire grabbed my left arm and Joe Joe grabbed my right arm and they started fighting over me...well Joe Joe just kind of growled and howled. So as they were fighting I fled away, dance-style and now all is good.
9-24-02 - Valerie
Stupid people should have to wear signs. That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? It'd be like, "Excuse me, could you...oh, oops! Nevermind, I didn't see your sign." It really would save everyone some time and energy!
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