Interoffice Memo DATE: 6/15/1987
TO: All Personnel
FROM: President, Central Division
SUBJECT: Reduction In Force As you are all aware, the Program Staff and I have been wrestling with the problem of meeting the new manpower target in the latest replan, Because we have been unsuccessful in meeting this target through our own efforts, I have decided to acquire the assistance of a Management Consultant who is a specialist in this area.
This individual has several years expertise in short schedule, Government directed, Reduction In Force programs. He has developed a highly effective methodology which he has utilized successfully at a South American Joint Owership Agricultural Cooperative.
The Reverend Dr. Jones will explain his plan to us at the all-hands meeting in the cafeteria at 1530 Thursday 29 June. Kool-Aid will be served. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HEAVIEST ELEMENT DISCOVERED The heaviest element known to science was recently synthesized at the Los Alamos National Laboratory using the Dark Energy/Force Elliptical-Cavity Axial/Tangential Experiment (DEFECATE) located in the bowels of an area receiving black funding which (for security reasons) can only be called "The Black Hole".
The element, tentatively named "Administratium" (Ad) has no protons or electrons, thus it has atomic number 0. It does, however, have one neutron, 75 associate neutrons, 125 deputy associate neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy associate neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles, called memons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. Nevertheless, it can be detected chemically because it seems to impede every reaction in which it takes part. According to co-discoverers Dr. I.M. Crooke-Dickie and Professor Gurly-Mann, a very small amount of Administratium made one reaction that normally takes less than a second take over four days to go to completion.
Administratium is radioinactive with a half-life of about 3 years, at which time it does not actually decay; but undergoes an internal reorganization in which associates to the neutron, deputy associates to the neutron, and assistant deputy associate neutrons all exchange places. Some studies have indicated that the atomic mass somehow increases after each reorganization.
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