Of all the holidays that get under my skin, Valentine's Day takes the giant, pink, heart-shaped, doily-laden cake. People have taken the name-day of a 3rd century Saint and turned it into a bunch of ridiculous flapdoodle, where people exchange dinky gifts and look at eachother all lovey-dovey-schmovey-wovey-like. This is the day where cupid rears his ugly head and entices people to go to a fancy dinner and then some predictable movie with a worn out plot about how the two most attractive characters in the movie fall in love against all odds. Also a lot of people like to hold procreation practice on this day. This is apparently the kick-off day for training season.

Cupid. Oh no!! He's learned how to open doors!!

I think the ridiculousness of this holiday rests somewhere in the goofy love-lines (or variations thereof) couples have been using on eachother, and Hallmark has been putting on their cards since they made love a commercial enterprise. Let us examine a few:

1. You are the apple of my eye.

What does this even mean? Eyes don't have apples! If I had an apple in my eye, I think I'd be pretty pissed. Lovin' feelings would be the last thing on my mind as I'm lying on the surgeon's table wondering how the hell I got an apple in my eye. This makes about as much sense as, "you're the legume of my kidney," or "you're the carrot up my nose."

2. You are my only reason for living.

Not only has this quote been featured in many a card and love letter, it has also made an appearance in more than one suicide note.

3. You are always there when I need you. You make me smile when I am sad.

translation: You never leave the couch in my apartment and you make a jackass out of yourself constantly.

4. You're the sugar in my coffee.

This would be alright, except that I use SPLENDA! And what about people who drink their coffee black? This quote should be sued for discrimination and forced to pay reparations.

5. I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go.

translation: Although we broke up 10 years ago, I still have pictures of you all over my walls, as well as hair and fingernail clippings that I keep in a little baggie in the freezer.

6. You know you truly love someone when everyday you meet is like the first time you fall in love.

This also works for Alzheimer's patients.

7. I never believed in love at first sight until I saw you!

And then I decided to become a nun, cause if you're the one I'm supposed to fall in love with, I really don't want any.

8. Each time I miss you, a star falls down from the sky. So, if you looked up at the sky and found it dark with no stars, it is all your fault. You made me miss you too much!

It's your fault! It's all your fault! Just like everything else! I was on my way toward being the CEO of my company, but nooooo, you said, "the band was serious and if I could just loan you $1000 and move to LA with you..." Oh, and I didn't have cholera before I met you either, did I?! And now the stars are gone? That's bull--. Way to go, assface.

9. One night, the moon said to me, 'If he makes you cry, why don't you leave him?' I looked at the moon and said, 'Moon, would you ever leave your sky?'

Acid indigestion, would you ever leave my stomach?

10. Love is when you don't have to be with another person to touch their heart!

Ewwww. Am I the only who finds this disturbing?

11. It's not being in love that makes me happy. It's being in love with you that makes me happy!

Puppies and rainbows make me happy too! As do little baby ducks and kittens! It all makes me so happy! Happy, happy, happy...

12. I love you not only for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you!

So, is this like a Batman and Robin thing we've got going on here? Cause, if it is, I'm a little scared.

13. Never frown when you are sad, you never know who is falling in love with your smile.

How I read this one: Never smile. Ever. Because you never know what kind of Hannibal Lector is watching you.

14. The sparkle in your eyes could make the stars jealous.

And that odor from your feet could give a garbage man a heart attack.

15. You know that you're in love when you freeze up for the first time in your life--your feet are frozen to the floor, but your heart is screaming to take one step closer and give him a kiss.

This also happens when you've been drinking and playing with super-glue.

So, for the sake of everything that is geniune, beautiful, and true, let's stop using these lines. They're as transparent as Britney Spears's clothing.

Valentine's Day can be hard on those people like me who are neither in love nor pretending to be in love. If you are ever in this situation, here are a few ways you can spend your day:

1. Sleep. All day. It will go by quicker and you'll be spared the torment of all the hand-holding, kissing, and other PDA that happens today.

2. Cry. Just cry.

3. Pretend that Valentine's Day doesn't exist at all. When people say to you, "Happy Valentine's Day," look at them confused and ask if that is some kind of new secret code. When they say "no," become very paranoid and assume that it is a secret code for a secret plot against you. Give everyone shifty looks and trust no one.

4. Empower yourself and be your own Valentine. Go to Starbucks and get a piece of cheescake and a latte, then go home and realize that you are an idiot. Don't ever talk to yourself again.

5. Spend your whole day making a dumb website about how much you hate Valentine's Day.

6. Do your dishes. They've been piling up for weeks and you're eating off of napkins. And don't try to say you've been too busy. More like you've been too LAZY! So pull yourself away from the couch for 10 minutes and clean up. The bathroom can use help too. There's hair growing out of the rug and I think that's penicillin forming in the bathtub. And what about that disaster you call a bedroom? It looks like a Goodwill storehouse in there.

7. If you're really in a funk because you don't have a significant other, you can always start browsing online personal adds, like these one's that I found:

Full Name: Murray Eel
Nickname: people call me Murray.
Hobbies: i like to sleep under rocks in the water
Turn ons: dead fish, small crustaceans, blood, the occasional human finger
Thing you most like about yourself: i once won a contest for having the sharpest teeth.
Thing you dislike about yourself: women tend to become intimidated by my dashing looks, debonair style, and nice bow-tie.
What you look for in a woman: no scales.

Full Name: Lloyd Llama, bi-otch
Nickname: yo, dey no me on da street as double L-AMA
Hobbies: i pimp dem hoes all the way from equador to new zealand. dey know i gots da best booty fo' dey dolla. my hoes no who dey pimp is an' if dey eva fo'get i smack dem upside dey head so fast dey weave fly all da way to da west side.
Turn ons: daym, i love da GRASS. sometimes i smoke dat shizzizle, but most of the time i just chew it.
Thing you like about yourself: my MONEY! my bling-bling is so iced-out it will blind yo' ass, fo' real. i got so much ching my bentley runs on henessey. but don't be trippin' and thinkin' you can come up in here and borrow any, cause i will bust a cap in yo' ass.
Thing you dislike about yourself: man, i'm the pimpinest. ain't nothin' i don't like.
What you look for in a woman: da bitch can keep her mouf shut to da pigs. daym.

Full Name: Captain Platy
Nick Name: Aaaargh.
Hobbies: I be a pirate.
Turn ons: rum and buried treasure.
Turn offs: scurvy
Thing you like about yourself: my comanding duck-bill.
Thing you dislike about yourself: i once slit a man's throat for looking at me funny, I did. Aaaargh. aargh...
What you look for in a woman: i'm looking for comely wench to feed me fish.