Well, I'm sure you are all wondering where the mistress of absurd humor has been for the last six months and what she's been up to lately. I have too, but since I haven't talked to her in a while, I will have to just tell you what I'VE been doing:

I. First and foremost, I quit my job. I decided that I would rather live poor and amass even huger amounts of student loan debt than wait tables and be some rich people's chump. I did take away three valuable life lessons from the experience though!

1. Most people do not realize that they are douchebags.
2. It is impossible to convince yourself that your life has a meaning when you make your money by running around souflette cups of mayonaisse.
3. It is, however, possible to be coffee-retarded. Here is the typical coffee dialogue:

Me(approaching a table full of mouth-breathers, coffee pot in hand): Does anyone want regular coffee?

(blank stares. crickets.)

Me: Regular coffee? Anyone?

Old Lady (mumbling): How dare she interrupt whatever it was we were talking about! Hmph!

(Old man points to empty coffee cup. I fill coffee cup.)

Me: Anyone else?

(...............Silence.................)

Old Lady 2: I'll take decaf!

(I come back with decaf, and fill coffee cups according to those who want decaf)

Me: Anyone else for decaf?

Old Lady: .....Honey, do you have regular?

I just could not stay in an environment where coffee caused more confusion than Father's Day in the ghetto. I got out.

II. I managed to survive the Moron-a-thon that calls itself the Holidays with my family. Actually it wasn't even as bad as expected, with these exceptions:

1. Crazy Hungarian Grandma Ida couldn't remember which grandkid belonged to which daughter. Hilarity ensued. And apparently my brother Jesse should just change his name permanently to "Adam," because that's what he's getting called from now on.

2. I think I heard the story about Grandma and the "colored" guy for the 50th time in my life this Christmas. When my Grandma was but a wee schoolgirl, she would walk home from school (Probably many miles. Sure, why not? Many miles.) She and her wee schoolgirl friend noticed a "colored" man, who would follow them! *Gasp!* So what did young Ida do? Did she squeal and run away in fear? No! She grabbed said "colored" man by the winkie and squeezed as hard as she could. (Here, Holly's grasp of the story gets hazy, as there was much cheap wine being consumed by Holly at the time of the telling). Apparently "colored" man fell over and wee Ida and schoolgirl friend threw rocks at him. She's not sure if they killed him or not. She likes to think they did. I bet they didn't. The End. Merry Christmas.

3. The third thing I could have done without this Christmas was the man I will refer to as Uncle Jackass. Uncle Jackass committed the crime of correcting my definition of the word "Fahrvergnuegen," as there was some confusion from the cousins as to if this was actually a word. He proceeded to start off his etymology of this word with the phrase, "well, it comes from German." Are you serious, Uncle Jackass?! I'm a flippin' German major! Go poke your nose where someone gives a shit! Like teaching Chinese people how to eat rice. More cheap wine was consumed by Holly.

III. Another Valentine's Day came and went, leaving me to revel in my solidarity. Sorry there was no page this year. This does not excuse the Holiday. I still hate it. I just didn't want to bother with it in any capacity. I spent most of the day asleep, actually.

IV. Here are some other lessons I've learned, and I thought I would be nice and pass the information onto you, so that you could learn vicariously through me, your intrepid humorist.

1. Franzia offers good times for under $10. Five liters worth.

2. If you should ever encounter the devil drink Absinthe, DO NOT DRINK IT! I drank it and got motion sickness every time I closed my eyes. And I swear my friend's "Happy Birthday" balloon was giving me lip. Bad times.

3. The Emergency Room at Presby sucks ass. I went to the emergency room one night after two months of not being able to eat without getting nauseaus. Now, I've had stomach problems since I was 11 years old, so I know a thing or two about what is normal and what isn't when it comes to my body, and I assumed that those with medical degrees would know even more. The only assumption made here was that in my ten years of ulcers, I never tried Maalox! They sent me home with Maalox. And I still can't eat anything.

4. Everyone should give up going to class for Lent. I think I might.

IV. Lastly, I would like to express my deep appreciation for the three people who visit my website regularly. It is you for whom I write! On that note though, I need feedback. Not only does feedback yield better-quality material, it bolsters my already gi-normous ego. It's a win-win situation. Guestbook and email!