LITURGY OF THE WORD
Lector/Presider-Lite: A reading from the Book (or Letter, or Acts) of...
[Different readings are prescribed for each day; after the lector ends, the people respond:]
Lector/Presider-Lite: The Word of the Lord.
The choir and/or cantor sing or recite the psalm; the people join in the repeated response unless it's the fourth sunday after Groundhog day and the moon is full and there was just a big ol' screech owl outside my winder last night.]
[A second reading is prescribed for all Sundays and major feasts, but not for most weekdays or minor feasts. The lector's introduction and conclusion and the people's response are the same as in the First Reading. But precious little makes a difference, because no one is reading this anyways]
Alleluia or "Woo-Hoo" Acclamation:
Choir or Cantor: WOO-HOO!!
All repeat: WOO-HOO!!
[The "WOO-HOO!!" may be repeated two or more times, especially during the Easter Season. If it is not sung, it should be omitted. But please don't sing. Catholics can't sing. Some things never change]
Before the Gospel Proclamation:
Presider: I'M OK!!
All: YOU'RE OK!!
Presider: A reading from the Holy Gospel according to... [Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Bubba, Laqueesha, Bob, Luther or Frank Zappa]
After the Gospel
Presider: The Gospel of the Lord.
All: No kidding? Thanks for pointing out the obvious
Homily/Things you WANT To Hear... Not What You NEED To Hear:
The bishop, priest, or deacon, minister of hospitality, parish janitor, wino found at the last minute vomiting on the streetcorner... whoever, then speaks to the people, usually focusing on that day's scriptures and/or on the feast or special occasion being celebrated at that Mass; but the homily may also be based on any liturgical text from the Mass or they can just ramble aimlessly]
Profession of Faith:
[On Sundays and solemnities, the Nicene Creed is normally recited by everyone after the homily. In celebrations of Masses with children, Dr Seuss may be used instead.]
I believe myself. I believe in the god within. I also believe in the sub-god known as The Creator... the Patron of Mother Earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, the prophet who walked around the Sea of Galilee chanting "Ohmmm". What a cool dude He was indeed.
I believe in the Holy Spirit. That sub-god is always portrayed as a dove, and doves are cool.
I believe that Jesus has a righteous mom. I'll bet She let Him party, drink, smoke, never gave Him grief, none of that stuff. I wish my mom was like that.
I realize that Jesus went through some UNCOOL stuff that I don't want to think about 'cuz I get bummed out when I think about it.
I believe that Jesus is Cosmic. He's everywhere physically as well as spiritually.
Father Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Me, Holy Rock, Holy Tree.
Outlawed by order of the 3d Vatican Council due to it's connection with the superstitious Rosary.
General Intercessions / Prayer of the Faithful:
[petition the god in each of us for really neat stuff, prizes and other valuable merchandise]
Lector/Presider-lite: let us pray to Ourselves.
All: Damn Straight.
[or a similar response, repeated after each petition]
LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST
Presentation of the Gifts / Preparation of the Altar:
Presider: Big Buddy In The Sky. Much akin to the really neat sacrifice of Cain, we offer fruits and veggies
All: Ranch or Blue Cheese?.
Presider: Big Buddy In The Sky. We have this Tequila to offer. Salt and lemon are required
All: Lick it, slam it, bite it.
Presider: Pray, my siblings, that our mild inconvenience may be acceptable to The Divinity of Undetermined Gender.
All: Whatever... is it time to go yet?
Prayer over the Gifts:
[The Presider sings or says this prayer, which is different for each Mass. At the end, the people respond:]
All: You better not shout, you better not pout, you better not cry, I'm tellin' you why.
[The Presider may choose from among four different Eucharistic Prayers, all are equally generic. Why bother, just make your life simple and mentally go through your "to do" list right now ]
Presider: The Lord be with you.
Presider: Lift up your hearts.
All: I wasn't sleeping.
Presider: Let us give thanks to the Our Big Buddy In The Sky
All: Stop elbowing me.
All: Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,
Heajsd wpon lewefh cweh ...... I wonder if I shift quicker into third if that will help my gas milage... and earth are full of your glory.
Hosanna in tpow dfer ...Was Presider saying something?...the highest.
Blessed is he who clikjuew yfuql.... I need to stop daydreaming and start paying attention.... comes in the name of the Lord.
Hosanna in the highest.
Presider: Let us proclaim the understand the Mind Of God:
All: When we eat this bread and drink this cup, we are tiding over until we can hit the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's.
Presider: Stop daydreaming and pay attention
[may be sung more than once depending on how many of the faith community was falling asleep]
Presider: Jesus suggested to us to call upon The Deity of Undetermined Gender, and so we have the time to say:
All: Our Divine Parental Unit, who's art is in museums, hollow be thy flute; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven provided it doesn't conflict with my own personal opinion.
Give us this day our daily bread;
and forgive trespass against me, for they are many.
I can do no wrong;
and lead us not into non-existant temptation because satan doesn't really exist, but deliver us from believing the myth of the devil.
Presider: Deliver us, Warm and Fuzzy Pal In The Sky, from every un-cool feeling, make me feel good about myself above all things. Be a buddy, OK? I'm really looking forward to meeting Jesus. I know I will. All I have to do is believe and have losts of LUV in my heart.
All: For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are mine, now and forever.
Sign of Peace:
Presider: Lord Jesus Christ, can I get a hug?
Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: Let us offer each other a sign of peace. AM I THE ONLY ONE FEELING A GROUP HUG COMING ON??!!
[According to local custon, a sign of peace is given. That can range from barely acknowledging the existance of the human being three inches away from you, to almost sexual intercourse]
Presider: This is the symbolic Lamb of God who takes away the non-existant sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper. RSVP
All: Lord, Don't judge me. I know what's best.
Eucharistic Monster: (Offering the Host) Everythings good when it sits on a Ritz
Communicant: Goooood Cracker!
Eucharistic Monster: (Offering The Cup) Budweiser, it's the King Of Beers.
Communicant: It's Miller Time.
[During the reception of Communion, an appropriate song is sung, such as "Tonight I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999", or "I'm Gonna Put On My, My, My, Boogie Shoes (And Boogie Wid You).]
Presider: Dominic Go Frisk 'Em
Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: Bow your heads and and close your eyes and think happy thoughts.
[Dominic quickly and quietly frisks the crowd]
Presider: May almighty Divinity of Undetermined Gender bless you, the Creator, and the Redeemer, and the Paraclete.
Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: OK, you can leave now. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.
All: Thanks be to God! [barely audible] 'Bout time
Recessional and Closing Song:
[Although it is traditional in many countries and many parishes to sing a final song or to have some instrumental music played as the priest and ministers process out of the church, this is not prescribed in the Order of Mass. But ancient hymns such as "Leavin' On A Jet Plane", "Rockin' Down The Highway" or "Up, Up And Away (In My Beautiful Balloon) ]
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