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The Novus Ordo Mass by 2040

Don't laugh, we're damn near there already

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OK, we seen just how far The Mass has gone in 40 short years... Imagine where the Novus Ordo will be 40 years FROM NOW!!! Could THIS be the Novus Ordo Mass to come in the future?


INTRODUCTORY RITES
Novus Ordo Missae
2044 C.E.

Entrance Song:


[An entrance song is sung or an antiphon is recited as the priest and the ministers enter the church and process to the altar; after reverencing the altar, they go to their chairs. Ancient songs such as or "You Are The Wind Beneath My Wings" are appropriate]


Greeting:

Presider: In the name of the Creator, and of the Redeemer, and of the Paraclete. [All together make the sign of the cross. (for those of you that remember how)]

All: Amen.

Option A:

Presider: May the Holy Groove be placed on y'all.

All: You too, dude

Option B:

Presider: Right on, right on, right on.

All: Right on

Option C:

Presider: Hi there

or Bishop: (sounding very official) Hi there

All: Back at 'chya

[The presider or another minister may then briefly introduce the Mass of the day, saying something about the readings, the feast, and/or the special occasion being celebrated, such as Kwanzaa, Shiva's Birthday, Earth Day, The Feast of St. John Calvin, Gay Pride Day, etc.]

Rite of Blessing and Sprinkling Holy Water:

Presider: Groovy People, this water will be used to remind us of our childhood Coming-Out Party/Baptism. Let us ask the Divinity of Undetermined Gender to bless it, and to keep us faithful to the Spirit It has given us. [or similar words of insipidness]

Option A:

Presider: God our Divinity of Undetermined Gender, your gift of water brings life and freshness to the earth we worship.

All: Whoa, dude... that's deep

Option B:

Presider: Some of us can really use a shower.

All: Darn tootin', Fig Newton.

Option C (during the Easter Harvest Season):

Presider: It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring

All: What he say?


[After blessing the water, the presider moves through the communal worship space sprinkling all of the people while an antiphon or other song is sung, such as "Raindrops Are Fallin' On My Head", or "Rainy Days And Mondays Always Get Me Down". When the sprinkling and the song is finished, the priest concludes this rite as follows:]

Presider: May our Big Buddy in the Sky cleanse us of our sins, if any actually exist or not... that's irrelevant, and through the symbolic eucharist we celebrate make us worthy to sit with equality at the table in the heavenly kingdom.

All: See me, feel me, touch me.


[This rite is commonly celebrated during the Easter Season, but may also be used at other times. When it is used, the Penitential Rite is omitted, and the Mass continues with the Gloria (on most Sundays and solemnities) or with the Opening Prayer (during Advent and Lent, and on weekdays). Or in keeping with the 2007 ruling of the Council Of American Catholic Bishops, you can simply make it up as you go along]

or Penitential Rite:

Presider: As we prepare to celebrate the un-ending super cool tolerance of Jesus, let us acknowledge the failures of others and ask the Lord to pardon them.



[or similar words of introduction, followed by a period of silent reflection, or catching a quick 40 winks.]

All: I confess to no one. I feel way down deep inside that I am a good person. And that's all that counts

Presider: May the Divinity of Undetermined Gender feel where you are coming from

Kyrie:

[The following acclamations are sung or recited, either in English, Greek, Swahili, Tierra Del Fuegan, Urdu, Sanskrit, Braille, Indian Smoke Signals, Charades, whatever. This acclamation is to the Patron of GLBTIBN (gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered, incestuous, bestial and necropheliac) Catholics. Saint Christie Butchhaircut and Saint Kerry Sugarbritches. May all sexual minorities be allowed to marry]

Presider: Kerry Get A Liscense.

All: Kerry Get A Liscense

Presider: Christie Get a Liscense.

All: Christie Get A Liscense

Presider: Kerry Get A Liscense

All: Kerry Get A Liscense

Gloria, G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloria:

[This ancient hymn of praise is used on all Sundays outside of Advent and Lent, it was also a really cool Classic Rock song sung by Van Morrison.]

All: Like to tell you bout my baby, you know she comes around,

Just bout five feet four a-from her head to the ground.

You know she comes around here just about midnight, She make me feel so good, lord, she make me feel all right.

And her name is G-l-o-r-i-a,

G-l-o-r-i-a Gloria

G-l-o-r-i-a Gloria

I'm gonna shout it all night Gloria

I'm gonna shout it every day, Gloria

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

She comes around here just about midnight, ha

She make me feel so good, Lord, I wanna say she

make me feel all right.

Comes a-walkin down my street, then she comes up to my house,

She knock upon my door and then she comes to my room,

Yeah an she make me feel all right,

G-l-o-r-i-a Gloria

G-l-o-r-i-a Gloria

I'm gonna shout it all night Gloria

I'm gonna shout it every day Gloria

Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah,

Looks so good Gloria

All right, feel so good Gloria

All right, yeah now.

Presider: Rock on

LITURGY OF THE WORD

First Reading:

Lector/Presider-Lite: A reading from the Book (or Letter, or Acts) of...


[Different readings are prescribed for each day; after the lector ends, the people respond:]

Lector/Presider-Lite: The Word of the Lord.

All: KEWL!

Responsorial Psalm:

The choir and/or cantor sing or recite the psalm; the people join in the repeated response unless it's the fourth sunday after Groundhog day and the moon is full and there was just a big ol' screech owl outside my winder last night.]

Second Reading:

[A second reading is prescribed for all Sundays and major feasts, but not for most weekdays or minor feasts. The lector's introduction and conclusion and the people's response are the same as in the First Reading. But precious little makes a difference, because no one is reading this anyways]

Alleluia or "Woo-Hoo" Acclamation:

Choir or Cantor: WOO-HOO!!

All repeat: WOO-HOO!!


[The "WOO-HOO!!" may be repeated two or more times, especially during the Easter Season. If it is not sung, it should be omitted. But please don't sing. Catholics can't sing. Some things never change]


Gospel:

Before the Gospel Proclamation:

Presider: I'M OK!!

All: YOU'RE OK!!

Presider: A reading from the Holy Gospel according to... [Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Bubba, Laqueesha, Bob, Luther or Frank Zappa]

All: Huh?...

After the Gospel

Proclamation:

Presider: The Gospel of the Lord.

All: No kidding? Thanks for pointing out the obvious

Homily/Things you WANT To Hear... Not What You NEED To Hear:

The bishop, priest, or deacon, minister of hospitality, parish janitor, wino found at the last minute vomiting on the streetcorner... whoever, then speaks to the people, usually focusing on that day's scriptures and/or on the feast or special occasion being celebrated at that Mass; but the homily may also be based on any liturgical text from the Mass or they can just ramble aimlessly]


Profession of Faith:

[On Sundays and solemnities, the Nicene Creed is normally recited by everyone after the homily. In celebrations of Masses with children, Dr Seuss may be used instead.]

NICENE CREED:

I believe myself. I believe in the god within. I also believe in the sub-god known as The Creator... the Patron of Mother Earth.

I believe in Jesus Christ, the prophet who walked around the Sea of Galilee chanting "Ohmmm". What a cool dude He was indeed.

I believe in the Holy Spirit. That sub-god is always portrayed as a dove, and doves are cool.

I believe that Jesus has a righteous mom. I'll bet She let Him party, drink, smoke, never gave Him grief, none of that stuff. I wish my mom was like that.

I realize that Jesus went through some UNCOOL stuff that I don't want to think about 'cuz I get bummed out when I think about it.

I believe that Jesus is Cosmic. He's everywhere physically as well as spiritually.

Father Sun, Mother Earth, Holy Me, Holy Rock, Holy Tree.

APOSTLE'S CREED:

Outlawed by order of the 3d Vatican Council due to it's connection with the superstitious Rosary.

General Intercessions / Prayer of the Faithful:

[petition the god in each of us for really neat stuff, prizes and other valuable merchandise]

Lector/Presider-lite: let us pray to Ourselves.

All: Damn Straight.

[or a similar response, repeated after each petition]



LITURGY OF THE EUCHARIST


Presentation of the Gifts / Preparation of the Altar:

Presider: Big Buddy In The Sky. Much akin to the really neat sacrifice of Cain, we offer fruits and veggies

All: Ranch or Blue Cheese?.

Presider: Big Buddy In The Sky. We have this Tequila to offer. Salt and lemon are required

All: Lick it, slam it, bite it.

Presider: Pray, my siblings, that our mild inconvenience may be acceptable to The Divinity of Undetermined Gender.

All: Whatever... is it time to go yet?

Prayer over the Gifts:

[The Presider sings or says this prayer, which is different for each Mass. At the end, the people respond:]

All: You better not shout, you better not pout, you better not cry, I'm tellin' you why.

Eucharistic Prayer:

[The Presider may choose from among four different Eucharistic Prayers, all are equally generic. Why bother, just make your life simple and mentally go through your "to do" list right now ]

Preface Dialogue:

Presider: The Lord be with you.

All: ZZZZZ....

Presider: Lift up your hearts.

All: I wasn't sleeping.

Presider: Let us give thanks to the Our Big Buddy In The Sky

All: Stop elbowing me.

Sanctus:

All: Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,

Heajsd wpon lewefh cweh ...... I wonder if I shift quicker into third if that will help my gas milage... and earth are full of your glory.

Hosanna in tpow dfer ...Was Presider saying something?...the highest.

Blessed is he who clikjuew yfuql.... I need to stop daydreaming and start paying attention.... comes in the name of the Lord.

Hosanna in the highest.

Memorial Acclamation:

Presider: Let us proclaim the understand the Mind Of God:

All: When we eat this bread and drink this cup, we are tiding over until we can hit the Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's.

Great Amen:

Presider: Stop daydreaming and pay attention

All: Amen!

[may be sung more than once depending on how many of the faith community was falling asleep]

COMMUNION RITE

Lord's Prayer:

Presider: Jesus suggested to us to call upon The Deity of Undetermined Gender, and so we have the time to say:


All: Our Divine Parental Unit, who's art is in museums, hollow be thy flute; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven provided it doesn't conflict with my own personal opinion.

Give us this day our daily bread;

and forgive trespass against me, for they are many.

I can do no wrong;

and lead us not into non-existant temptation because satan doesn't really exist, but deliver us from believing the myth of the devil.

Presider: Deliver us, Warm and Fuzzy Pal In The Sky, from every un-cool feeling, make me feel good about myself above all things. Be a buddy, OK? I'm really looking forward to meeting Jesus. I know I will. All I have to do is believe and have losts of LUV in my heart.

All: For the kingdom, the power, and the glory are mine, now and forever.

Sign of Peace:

Presider: Lord Jesus Christ, can I get a hug?

All: Amen.

Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: Let us offer each other a sign of peace. AM I THE ONLY ONE FEELING A GROUP HUG COMING ON??!!

[According to local custon, a sign of peace is given. That can range from barely acknowledging the existance of the human being three inches away from you, to almost sexual intercourse]

Presider: This is the symbolic Lamb of God who takes away the non-existant sins of the world. Happy are those who are called to his supper. RSVP

All: Lord, Don't judge me. I know what's best.

Eucharistic Monster: (Offering the Host) Everythings good when it sits on a Ritz

Communicant: Goooood Cracker!

Eucharistic Monster: (Offering The Cup) Budweiser, it's the King Of Beers.

Communicant: It's Miller Time.

Communion Song:

[During the reception of Communion, an appropriate song is sung, such as "Tonight I'm Gonna Party Like It's 1999", or "I'm Gonna Put On My, My, My, Boogie Shoes (And Boogie Wid You).]

CONCLUDING RITE

Greeting:

Presider: Dominic Go Frisk 'Em

All: Fugeddahboudit.

Blessing:

Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: Bow your heads and and close your eyes and think happy thoughts.

[Dominic quickly and quietly frisks the crowd]

Presider: May almighty Divinity of Undetermined Gender bless you, the Creator, and the Redeemer, and the Paraclete.

Dismissal:

Deaconesse or Deacon or Presider: OK, you can leave now. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here.

All: Thanks be to God! [barely audible] 'Bout time

Recessional and Closing Song:

[Although it is traditional in many countries and many parishes to sing a final song or to have some instrumental music played as the priest and ministers process out of the church, this is not prescribed in the Order of Mass. But ancient hymns such as "Leavin' On A Jet Plane", "Rockin' Down The Highway" or "Up, Up And Away (In My Beautiful Balloon) ]

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